I started slacking...

I can never keep up a blog for long, but in my defense, I was on vacation for a few weeks. Anyway, there is just the same old same old in the phone sex world, except we hired a new girl who looks 17, has four kids and we're placing bets on whether or not she's a meth-head. Classy. Also, I started working a new shift (I was pretty much 9pm-5am and now I'm 11pm-7am). You wouldn't think that the two hours would make much of a difference, but I am so tired when I leave in the morning. Earlier today, at like, 6am, we were talking about how one of the guys calls one of the girls his "fuck pig" and she has to squeal like a pig every time she talks to him. That made me, for some reason, go into a raptor impression and go gallavanting around the office. It was really hysterical on no sleep. Anyway, onto some of the favorites.

We'll call this guy Mike. Now, Mike calls and I can practically write a script for how the conversation is going to go. He likes to have you come to his house, where he locks you into a room with him, puts you up on an examination table, and proceeds to work a giant dildo into you. EVERY TIME. I mean, seriously, how many times can we have the SAME CONVERSATION before you get bored? Today he called and was talking to a girl who had never talked to him before, and I stood behind her and was whispering all the things I knew he was saying. She would say, "Please don't hurt me." And he always says. "I won't. But you have to do exactly what I say. Can you do that?" Then you say, "I don't think that's going to fit!" and he says, "It will. We'll make it." Then when he has you jump up onto the table he goes, "Spread your legs. Come on, drop your knees. Drop them! Farther or we're going to use this on your ass instead." Her and I were both cracking up the whole time, because I was spot on. That's kind of twisted, actually.

Then there is another guy who calls in, and he goes, "I want you to tell me how you would kiss me from my toes up to my head, in detail." It takes forever, literally it took me like 14 minutes to describe it to him, and then he goes, "I want to rape you. You love it when I rape you. Okay, now you rape me. Rape me in the ass, and now I'll rape you in the ass. Tell me how much you love it. Tell me how much you love it when I rape you." Wait--what? Actually, I just remembered his name and googled him (totally against policy and procedures, by the way) and not only is he a stout Republican supporter, but he is also a lawyer. HAHAHA.

Then there's another one who called and had a super annoying voice. I can't remember what he wanted to talk about...I think we were talking about how I was going to ride him, and he was like, "Do it. Dooooo it. Dooooo it." I can't properly transpose how HILARIOUS hearing him say it was. Kind of New York street pimp meets Missi Elliot.

I did a two hour two girl call with a guy who likes to hear us make out on the phone. Do we really do it? OF COURSE NOT. I sit in my room, she sits in her room, and this poor sucker pays $3.99 to listen to us make out with our hands and moan. He also does this super strange thing where he wants to hear us chant back and forth to each other "I love the way we look together." Right. So we're moaning and chanting and pretending to go down on each other while he sits there in complete silence, interrupting occasionally to tell us, "You guys are really getting into it, aren't you?! I can really tell how comfortable you are with each other." Uh huh.

Oh, FUNNY THING. I forgot about this one. So there is a guy who calls in that I am sure I have mentioned before. He likes to be mocked for his small penis and always says things like, "I'm rubbing my twinkie" as code for masturbation. He is a total control freak and I am pretty sure he is either bipolar or schizophrenic. Oh, by the way, he runs an ENTIRE HOSPITAL. He's also a complete asshole all the time, to all the girls. So, he calls one day, and I get stuck talking to him. I hate this guy, because while I've never done a call with him, I most certainly have had to deal with him. He calls in thinking he's Mr. Bigshot and that he can buy out our company at any time he wants, and that he pays the salaries of all the girls that work there. Apparently, as he says, "he spends more money in a month than some of the girls make in a year." Congratulations. Please take the pathetic loser award on the left and get the fuck out. Anyway, so he calls and he starts by telling me what a caring and compassionate man he is, and how he always tries to be with the patients in the hospital when they're dying so that he can comfort them. Are you kidding?! DG is the LAST person I would want at my deathbed. I try to relate to him with a Grey's Anatomy reference and needless to say, he is NOT impressed. So, I ask him what he likes, and after he gets mad at me for a second over knowing who else at the company he talks to (like it's some big secret, it's right there on your card, dumb ass), he tells me that he likes being totally dominated, being made to feel worthless and being forced to say words he doesn't like. Apparently he "has so much power in his daily life, being responsible for the life and death of people, the future of people, it's nice to just give up control."
Are you kidding? Are you really giving me the go ahead to disrespect the biggest cocksucker who calls in? BRING IT ON. So, I lay it on thick. When he tells me he's rubbing his twinkie, I say, "DG, I'm not going to coddle you like everyone else does. Tell me you're stroking your cock. Stop being a fucking pathetic little boy and act like a man. You're totally worthless when you act like a pathetic loser." On and on. He took it for about 20 minutes, until he flipped out on me, and told me, "I DON'T LIKE THIS". Just like a four year old. I am pretty sure if I were there I would have seen him stamping his foot. He then said, "You can either do this my way, or I'll talk to someone else." Did Zoe apologize? No, Zoe did not. Zoe said, "That's fine. I'll see who else is available." hahahahha. I went to put him on hold, and heard him say something as I lowered the receiver, so I picked it back up and said, "Hey, sorry, I was going to find someone else for you. Did you say something?" To which he responds by screaming at me, "I SAID, DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT FOR ME?! DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT FOR ME?!" Of course I said, in my sweetest and most sarcastic phone sex girl voice, "No, actually, DG I don't have anything to say to you at all." I transferred him to someone else, and solved the problem of him ever wanting to talk to me again, since I clearly hit too close to him for his comfort, right? Of course not. An hour later, I get a request from him while I was on a call. Did I return his call? HELL NO. But those bitches always come crawling back for more.


Best quote of the past few days? Having some black guy want to be my slave (Reparations, what?) But not only that, he wanted me to sit on his face and give him some of my "sweet chocolate candies." GAG GAG GAG. Haha, but that's nothing compared to what one of the girls had to talk about....she had some crossdressing guy wanting to go down on her while she was on the rag. I almost puked listening to that, for real.

What the hell is wrong with you people?!