One of the pitfalls of the location of my job is that it's located in this old house in a nicer part of town. However, since that house is relatively old (ie-old wiring, etc), the power goes out constantly. I've come in to pick up my check before when the power was out, but last night I had to actually work in the dark. Kammi and I were on a two girl call with the guy who loves to hear you "make out" with each other, when the phone disconnected and the power went out. We had to go downstairs and sit in the dark with flashlights. Never in my life did I picture myself sitting in the dark, talking to some perv from Cincinnati while I made out with my hand and pretended like it was a girl. That was bizarre.
On top of that, last night was just weird. I had another two girl call with this guy who likes you to dress him up in your clothes while he calls you mommy. Very Norman Bates of him, really. Extraordinarily creepy. So, I'm on the phone with him and this girl, Taylor, whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard. She's a nice person, but the sound of her voice makes me want to hang myself. We had to take turns spanking him while he counted. Seriously. WTF.
Then there was this guy who called in that was super sub. boy. He wanted to be mocked for masturbating. He told me he was 41 and lived with his mom; that he was unemployed and had to borrow money to call the phone sex line, and that he sat in his car and masturbated watching high school girls. The super creepy part? He was totally lying about his life. There was no way he was 41, I could tell from his voice that he was much younger. Also, when I asked him how old his mom was, he said, "in her 50's". That math just does not add up, especially if he is in his forties. Having a mom who is only fifteen years or so older than you may not be such a stretch for my generation, but not likely in the 60s. Anyway, he wanted to be mocked for being a lame ass, which I was more than happy to do. However, when he came, he said, (and I quote)... "Ughhh. I'm making baby batter! I'm making baby batter!" .....What the fuck. Baby Batter? VOMIT.
The last, but far from least interesting guy was this hillbilly from Tennessee. He started out normal enough, but then he kept yelling at me. Loudly. So loudly, at one point he startled me so badly that I dropped the phone. He was full of things like, "ARE YOU GONNA MIND ME? YOU MIND ME!" and "You're MINE now, aren't you little girl? Are you gonna MIND ME? Don't you try to FAKE me. Are you FAKING ME?" Yikes. It was only truly funny though that I spent a half an hour agreeing that I belonged to him, only to have to tell him that his time was up and he was either going to have to buy more time or call back later when he was ready to get more time. He responded with something like, "FUCK THOSE RULES. YOU MIND ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!" ha. So I just hung up on him instead. Mind him, my ass.
I hate these dumb motherfuckers. Oh well, I'm only working there for about two more months. I can live through that...but maybe not without trying to kill them.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Phone Sex: The Fat Girl's Revenge
There's a little secret that none of the guys who call phone sex know. Or, at least, they pretend like they don't know, although some of the more intelligent ones have figured it out, I'm sure. This secret is that we are not all the drop dead gorgeous, sexually promiscuous girls we pretend to be. The truth of the matter is, if I'd done even 10% of the things I tell the guys, I would have died from STD overload a long time ago. The truth is that I can count the number of people I've slept with on one hand. The truth is that I have never been in a gangbang, never fucked a guy with a strapon, I don't do anal and I'm not a cuckold. I've never done it with my mother / brother / father / sister / grandma / dog / horse whatever. I don't do drugs and I'm certainly not the person that I pretend to be on the phone.
I'm not gonna lie, I get a kick out of these guys sometimes. You can talk to them and stereotype them as who they were back in high school. You know, the hot football player jocks who grew up to have a beer belly and a gold digger wife who is banging the lawn boy. Last night I was talking to someone who was telling me that the night before they'd hooked up with some girl at a fireworks display. Apparently she was his "type" meaning that she was really skinny, so skinny that he could actually feel her bones when he was touching her. Then of course he was like, "I bet you're really skinny like that too, huh? I could feel your bones too, I bet." I said yes, but in my head I laughed and thought to myself that I have probably not felt my bones since I was in the womb. heh.
Then there's another guy who calls, I've only talked to him twice--he buys his time with a money order and the last time I talked to him he had 1200 minutes. That's an expensive amount, close to three grand, probably. Anyway, I am pretty sure that this guy is mildly retarded. He always wants to talk about "boobies" and being molested when he was a kid. He starts talking, and I stop listening and then he goes, "Hey, haha, you wanna know something? You're getting horny now. I can tell. hahaha." Oh, yes, however did you know. Please, please, let me rip off all my clothes and masturbate for you. Then he asks me if I want to hear a joke. It went something like this: "I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me that I have a very serious disease. It's called boobie-a-citis and the only way to cure it is to suck on boobies all day long. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA."
....really. That was the joke. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Then I actually have to talk to them, and anyone who knows me knows that I can't keep my feelings to myself. It's really hard for me not to just tell them how utterly pathetic they are.
Then there are the guys who make it patently obvious as to why they are calling the phone sex girls. They will sit and talk to you for a minute, interrupt you every two seconds so that you can't even get a sentence out, and then say "Start playing with yourself. Right now. Do it." They'll wait a second or two, until I start pretending, and then they'll go, "Yeah, that's it. Come for me. Come for me right now. RIGHT NOW." Okay, control freak. First of all, girls will not come anywhere near you if you KEEP INTERRUPTING THEM. Second of all, girls cannot just automatically orgasm after five seconds. Thirdly, you screaming at a girl to come is NOT going to help things along. Fucking jackasses. I feel bad for whoever they're fucking.
We're supposed to basically tell them whatever they want to hear, but sometimes I tell them the truth just to make them angry. heh. Like one guy last night was like, "Wouldn't it be so hot if you were sucking my cock and your mom was riding my face?" Yeah, the fucker was talking about my MOTHER. So I say, "No, actually, I think I would find it totally disgusting." Then he asked me, "I want you to tell me the truth. Have you ever let a dog lick your pussy?" So, since he wanted the truth, I told him no, at which point he goes, "YOU'RE LYING!" Oh. Right. Sorry I am such a dirty dirty liar. Then there is one guy who always calls right before I'm about to leave in the morning and wants to talk about how his girlfriend loves to fuck black guys because they have big dicks, and white guys should just never get laid. At which point, he says, "Zoe, come on, tell me the truth, you love to have a big black dick in you, don't you?" If I really don't want to him, I'll say, "No, honestly, I don't even care about the size of a guy's cock, as long as it's like, six inches or so, it doesn't really matter that much. After that, it just kind of hurts." Then he goes, "Don't lie to me, you love fucking black guys." So I say, "Actually, I've never been with a black guy, it's just never come up." I also tell him that I never let guys come inside of me, because I don't want to get the clap, or get pregnant--Then he gets mad and hangs up on me. Haha, I beat you. Who knew that babies and diseases were a buzzkill? ha.
The worst though, the thing that pisses me off the most, is when guys act surprised that I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation. I know I've bitched about this before, but come on. Last night I was talking to someone, and we'd been talking for about twenty minutes-he was basically boring the shit out of me, and finally I reacted to something that he said, I can't remember what though. All I know is that he said, "Wow, you actually just sounded mildly more intelligent." All I want to say when they do stuff like that is, "Really? Wow. Well you know I've had a 3.8 GPA for the last three quarters, while I'm going to school full time and working 55 hours a week. I am undoubtedly more well-read than you, and you are the pathetic loser who calls here and actually believes me when I tell you that I've fucked a dog."
I never say that though. Maybe some day...
I'm not gonna lie, I get a kick out of these guys sometimes. You can talk to them and stereotype them as who they were back in high school. You know, the hot football player jocks who grew up to have a beer belly and a gold digger wife who is banging the lawn boy. Last night I was talking to someone who was telling me that the night before they'd hooked up with some girl at a fireworks display. Apparently she was his "type" meaning that she was really skinny, so skinny that he could actually feel her bones when he was touching her. Then of course he was like, "I bet you're really skinny like that too, huh? I could feel your bones too, I bet." I said yes, but in my head I laughed and thought to myself that I have probably not felt my bones since I was in the womb. heh.
Then there's another guy who calls, I've only talked to him twice--he buys his time with a money order and the last time I talked to him he had 1200 minutes. That's an expensive amount, close to three grand, probably. Anyway, I am pretty sure that this guy is mildly retarded. He always wants to talk about "boobies" and being molested when he was a kid. He starts talking, and I stop listening and then he goes, "Hey, haha, you wanna know something? You're getting horny now. I can tell. hahaha." Oh, yes, however did you know. Please, please, let me rip off all my clothes and masturbate for you. Then he asks me if I want to hear a joke. It went something like this: "I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me that I have a very serious disease. It's called boobie-a-citis and the only way to cure it is to suck on boobies all day long. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA."
....really. That was the joke. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Then I actually have to talk to them, and anyone who knows me knows that I can't keep my feelings to myself. It's really hard for me not to just tell them how utterly pathetic they are.
Then there are the guys who make it patently obvious as to why they are calling the phone sex girls. They will sit and talk to you for a minute, interrupt you every two seconds so that you can't even get a sentence out, and then say "Start playing with yourself. Right now. Do it." They'll wait a second or two, until I start pretending, and then they'll go, "Yeah, that's it. Come for me. Come for me right now. RIGHT NOW." Okay, control freak. First of all, girls will not come anywhere near you if you KEEP INTERRUPTING THEM. Second of all, girls cannot just automatically orgasm after five seconds. Thirdly, you screaming at a girl to come is NOT going to help things along. Fucking jackasses. I feel bad for whoever they're fucking.
We're supposed to basically tell them whatever they want to hear, but sometimes I tell them the truth just to make them angry. heh. Like one guy last night was like, "Wouldn't it be so hot if you were sucking my cock and your mom was riding my face?" Yeah, the fucker was talking about my MOTHER. So I say, "No, actually, I think I would find it totally disgusting." Then he asked me, "I want you to tell me the truth. Have you ever let a dog lick your pussy?" So, since he wanted the truth, I told him no, at which point he goes, "YOU'RE LYING!" Oh. Right. Sorry I am such a dirty dirty liar. Then there is one guy who always calls right before I'm about to leave in the morning and wants to talk about how his girlfriend loves to fuck black guys because they have big dicks, and white guys should just never get laid. At which point, he says, "Zoe, come on, tell me the truth, you love to have a big black dick in you, don't you?" If I really don't want to him, I'll say, "No, honestly, I don't even care about the size of a guy's cock, as long as it's like, six inches or so, it doesn't really matter that much. After that, it just kind of hurts." Then he goes, "Don't lie to me, you love fucking black guys." So I say, "Actually, I've never been with a black guy, it's just never come up." I also tell him that I never let guys come inside of me, because I don't want to get the clap, or get pregnant--Then he gets mad and hangs up on me. Haha, I beat you. Who knew that babies and diseases were a buzzkill? ha.
The worst though, the thing that pisses me off the most, is when guys act surprised that I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation. I know I've bitched about this before, but come on. Last night I was talking to someone, and we'd been talking for about twenty minutes-he was basically boring the shit out of me, and finally I reacted to something that he said, I can't remember what though. All I know is that he said, "Wow, you actually just sounded mildly more intelligent." All I want to say when they do stuff like that is, "Really? Wow. Well you know I've had a 3.8 GPA for the last three quarters, while I'm going to school full time and working 55 hours a week. I am undoubtedly more well-read than you, and you are the pathetic loser who calls here and actually believes me when I tell you that I've fucked a dog."
I never say that though. Maybe some day...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I started slacking...
I can never keep up a blog for long, but in my defense, I was on vacation for a few weeks. Anyway, there is just the same old same old in the phone sex world, except we hired a new girl who looks 17, has four kids and we're placing bets on whether or not she's a meth-head. Classy. Also, I started working a new shift (I was pretty much 9pm-5am and now I'm 11pm-7am). You wouldn't think that the two hours would make much of a difference, but I am so tired when I leave in the morning. Earlier today, at like, 6am, we were talking about how one of the guys calls one of the girls his "fuck pig" and she has to squeal like a pig every time she talks to him. That made me, for some reason, go into a raptor impression and go gallavanting around the office. It was really hysterical on no sleep. Anyway, onto some of the favorites.
We'll call this guy Mike. Now, Mike calls and I can practically write a script for how the conversation is going to go. He likes to have you come to his house, where he locks you into a room with him, puts you up on an examination table, and proceeds to work a giant dildo into you. EVERY TIME. I mean, seriously, how many times can we have the SAME CONVERSATION before you get bored? Today he called and was talking to a girl who had never talked to him before, and I stood behind her and was whispering all the things I knew he was saying. She would say, "Please don't hurt me." And he always says. "I won't. But you have to do exactly what I say. Can you do that?" Then you say, "I don't think that's going to fit!" and he says, "It will. We'll make it." Then when he has you jump up onto the table he goes, "Spread your legs. Come on, drop your knees. Drop them! Farther or we're going to use this on your ass instead." Her and I were both cracking up the whole time, because I was spot on. That's kind of twisted, actually.
Then there is another guy who calls in, and he goes, "I want you to tell me how you would kiss me from my toes up to my head, in detail." It takes forever, literally it took me like 14 minutes to describe it to him, and then he goes, "I want to rape you. You love it when I rape you. Okay, now you rape me. Rape me in the ass, and now I'll rape you in the ass. Tell me how much you love it. Tell me how much you love it when I rape you." Wait--what? Actually, I just remembered his name and googled him (totally against policy and procedures, by the way) and not only is he a stout Republican supporter, but he is also a lawyer. HAHAHA.
Then there's another one who called and had a super annoying voice. I can't remember what he wanted to talk about...I think we were talking about how I was going to ride him, and he was like, "Do it. Dooooo it. Dooooo it." I can't properly transpose how HILARIOUS hearing him say it was. Kind of New York street pimp meets Missi Elliot.
I did a two hour two girl call with a guy who likes to hear us make out on the phone. Do we really do it? OF COURSE NOT. I sit in my room, she sits in her room, and this poor sucker pays $3.99 to listen to us make out with our hands and moan. He also does this super strange thing where he wants to hear us chant back and forth to each other "I love the way we look together." Right. So we're moaning and chanting and pretending to go down on each other while he sits there in complete silence, interrupting occasionally to tell us, "You guys are really getting into it, aren't you?! I can really tell how comfortable you are with each other." Uh huh.
Oh, FUNNY THING. I forgot about this one. So there is a guy who calls in that I am sure I have mentioned before. He likes to be mocked for his small penis and always says things like, "I'm rubbing my twinkie" as code for masturbation. He is a total control freak and I am pretty sure he is either bipolar or schizophrenic. Oh, by the way, he runs an ENTIRE HOSPITAL. He's also a complete asshole all the time, to all the girls. So, he calls one day, and I get stuck talking to him. I hate this guy, because while I've never done a call with him, I most certainly have had to deal with him. He calls in thinking he's Mr. Bigshot and that he can buy out our company at any time he wants, and that he pays the salaries of all the girls that work there. Apparently, as he says, "he spends more money in a month than some of the girls make in a year." Congratulations. Please take the pathetic loser award on the left and get the fuck out. Anyway, so he calls and he starts by telling me what a caring and compassionate man he is, and how he always tries to be with the patients in the hospital when they're dying so that he can comfort them. Are you kidding?! DG is the LAST person I would want at my deathbed. I try to relate to him with a Grey's Anatomy reference and needless to say, he is NOT impressed. So, I ask him what he likes, and after he gets mad at me for a second over knowing who else at the company he talks to (like it's some big secret, it's right there on your card, dumb ass), he tells me that he likes being totally dominated, being made to feel worthless and being forced to say words he doesn't like. Apparently he "has so much power in his daily life, being responsible for the life and death of people, the future of people, it's nice to just give up control."
Are you kidding? Are you really giving me the go ahead to disrespect the biggest cocksucker who calls in? BRING IT ON. So, I lay it on thick. When he tells me he's rubbing his twinkie, I say, "DG, I'm not going to coddle you like everyone else does. Tell me you're stroking your cock. Stop being a fucking pathetic little boy and act like a man. You're totally worthless when you act like a pathetic loser." On and on. He took it for about 20 minutes, until he flipped out on me, and told me, "I DON'T LIKE THIS". Just like a four year old. I am pretty sure if I were there I would have seen him stamping his foot. He then said, "You can either do this my way, or I'll talk to someone else." Did Zoe apologize? No, Zoe did not. Zoe said, "That's fine. I'll see who else is available." hahahahha. I went to put him on hold, and heard him say something as I lowered the receiver, so I picked it back up and said, "Hey, sorry, I was going to find someone else for you. Did you say something?" To which he responds by screaming at me, "I SAID, DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT FOR ME?! DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT FOR ME?!" Of course I said, in my sweetest and most sarcastic phone sex girl voice, "No, actually, DG I don't have anything to say to you at all." I transferred him to someone else, and solved the problem of him ever wanting to talk to me again, since I clearly hit too close to him for his comfort, right? Of course not. An hour later, I get a request from him while I was on a call. Did I return his call? HELL NO. But those bitches always come crawling back for more.
Best quote of the past few days? Having some black guy want to be my slave (Reparations, what?) But not only that, he wanted me to sit on his face and give him some of my "sweet chocolate candies." GAG GAG GAG. Haha, but that's nothing compared to what one of the girls had to talk about....she had some crossdressing guy wanting to go down on her while she was on the rag. I almost puked listening to that, for real.
What the hell is wrong with you people?!
We'll call this guy Mike. Now, Mike calls and I can practically write a script for how the conversation is going to go. He likes to have you come to his house, where he locks you into a room with him, puts you up on an examination table, and proceeds to work a giant dildo into you. EVERY TIME. I mean, seriously, how many times can we have the SAME CONVERSATION before you get bored? Today he called and was talking to a girl who had never talked to him before, and I stood behind her and was whispering all the things I knew he was saying. She would say, "Please don't hurt me." And he always says. "I won't. But you have to do exactly what I say. Can you do that?" Then you say, "I don't think that's going to fit!" and he says, "It will. We'll make it." Then when he has you jump up onto the table he goes, "Spread your legs. Come on, drop your knees. Drop them! Farther or we're going to use this on your ass instead." Her and I were both cracking up the whole time, because I was spot on. That's kind of twisted, actually.
Then there is another guy who calls in, and he goes, "I want you to tell me how you would kiss me from my toes up to my head, in detail." It takes forever, literally it took me like 14 minutes to describe it to him, and then he goes, "I want to rape you. You love it when I rape you. Okay, now you rape me. Rape me in the ass, and now I'll rape you in the ass. Tell me how much you love it. Tell me how much you love it when I rape you." Wait--what? Actually, I just remembered his name and googled him (totally against policy and procedures, by the way) and not only is he a stout Republican supporter, but he is also a lawyer. HAHAHA.
Then there's another one who called and had a super annoying voice. I can't remember what he wanted to talk about...I think we were talking about how I was going to ride him, and he was like, "Do it. Dooooo it. Dooooo it." I can't properly transpose how HILARIOUS hearing him say it was. Kind of New York street pimp meets Missi Elliot.
I did a two hour two girl call with a guy who likes to hear us make out on the phone. Do we really do it? OF COURSE NOT. I sit in my room, she sits in her room, and this poor sucker pays $3.99 to listen to us make out with our hands and moan. He also does this super strange thing where he wants to hear us chant back and forth to each other "I love the way we look together." Right. So we're moaning and chanting and pretending to go down on each other while he sits there in complete silence, interrupting occasionally to tell us, "You guys are really getting into it, aren't you?! I can really tell how comfortable you are with each other." Uh huh.
Oh, FUNNY THING. I forgot about this one. So there is a guy who calls in that I am sure I have mentioned before. He likes to be mocked for his small penis and always says things like, "I'm rubbing my twinkie" as code for masturbation. He is a total control freak and I am pretty sure he is either bipolar or schizophrenic. Oh, by the way, he runs an ENTIRE HOSPITAL. He's also a complete asshole all the time, to all the girls. So, he calls one day, and I get stuck talking to him. I hate this guy, because while I've never done a call with him, I most certainly have had to deal with him. He calls in thinking he's Mr. Bigshot and that he can buy out our company at any time he wants, and that he pays the salaries of all the girls that work there. Apparently, as he says, "he spends more money in a month than some of the girls make in a year." Congratulations. Please take the pathetic loser award on the left and get the fuck out. Anyway, so he calls and he starts by telling me what a caring and compassionate man he is, and how he always tries to be with the patients in the hospital when they're dying so that he can comfort them. Are you kidding?! DG is the LAST person I would want at my deathbed. I try to relate to him with a Grey's Anatomy reference and needless to say, he is NOT impressed. So, I ask him what he likes, and after he gets mad at me for a second over knowing who else at the company he talks to (like it's some big secret, it's right there on your card, dumb ass), he tells me that he likes being totally dominated, being made to feel worthless and being forced to say words he doesn't like. Apparently he "has so much power in his daily life, being responsible for the life and death of people, the future of people, it's nice to just give up control."
Are you kidding? Are you really giving me the go ahead to disrespect the biggest cocksucker who calls in? BRING IT ON. So, I lay it on thick. When he tells me he's rubbing his twinkie, I say, "DG, I'm not going to coddle you like everyone else does. Tell me you're stroking your cock. Stop being a fucking pathetic little boy and act like a man. You're totally worthless when you act like a pathetic loser." On and on. He took it for about 20 minutes, until he flipped out on me, and told me, "I DON'T LIKE THIS". Just like a four year old. I am pretty sure if I were there I would have seen him stamping his foot. He then said, "You can either do this my way, or I'll talk to someone else." Did Zoe apologize? No, Zoe did not. Zoe said, "That's fine. I'll see who else is available." hahahahha. I went to put him on hold, and heard him say something as I lowered the receiver, so I picked it back up and said, "Hey, sorry, I was going to find someone else for you. Did you say something?" To which he responds by screaming at me, "I SAID, DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT FOR ME?! DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT FOR ME?!" Of course I said, in my sweetest and most sarcastic phone sex girl voice, "No, actually, DG I don't have anything to say to you at all." I transferred him to someone else, and solved the problem of him ever wanting to talk to me again, since I clearly hit too close to him for his comfort, right? Of course not. An hour later, I get a request from him while I was on a call. Did I return his call? HELL NO. But those bitches always come crawling back for more.
Best quote of the past few days? Having some black guy want to be my slave (Reparations, what?) But not only that, he wanted me to sit on his face and give him some of my "sweet chocolate candies." GAG GAG GAG. Haha, but that's nothing compared to what one of the girls had to talk about....she had some crossdressing guy wanting to go down on her while she was on the rag. I almost puked listening to that, for real.
What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
The phone sex gods have been funny lately
Seriously? Seriously.
The Virgin:
Sometimes guys call in and I am pretty sure that they are very inexperienced. They would never admit to that, of course, but I can basically tell just by the way they talk. Take this guy from the other night...he apparently lived in my town, and was asking me all kinds of crazy questions, like where I lived and if we could hang out sometime. Sure, come knock on my door, and you would have no idea that I was the girl who was getting you off on the phone last night. So then, he was like, "I'm so good, I'm so good at sex, they call me....the macdaddy." What? Are you fucking joking? He follows that up with "I'd fuck you so hard, I'd do it so hard that I would.....come inside you. Yeah. That's right." Wow, you know, I thought that's what usually happened in this situation. He also kept saying that he was going to "spank" my "butt". Can you at least say that you're going to smack my ass? Spanking my butt makes me feel like a very poorly behaved child. My suspicion that he was a virgin was confirmed with this though: "My dick is so big. Really, it's really really big. It's so huge. It's like, six inches."
....okay. While six inches isn't small, I'd classify it as around average. Not really really big. So to my MacDaddy with the huge cock, thanks for making me laugh, even if I had to put the phone on mute to do it.
You're Fat, Aren't You?:
Okay, you guys have to understand that Zoe is sometimes an ego boost. She's hot, okay? And she has guys telling her that she's hot all night long. Sure, I'm not her, I look nothing like her, but I get kind of attached to her...just like an actress who has a specific character. It's exactly the same thing. So, needless to say, I get a little defensive of her. Now, like I said, Zoe's hot. She's 5'4'', 110, measurments are 34C 26 34. That's pretty damn close to perfect, because she's FAKE, right? I mean, damn, if I'm going to pretend to be something I'm not, I'm going to make myself as close to perfection as I can. So, I'm talking to this guy on the phone the other night, and when I tell him my measurments, he's like, "That's kind of....big, isn't it?" I'm floored, because I've never gotten THAT reaction before. So, I answer him with, "I 0nly weigh 110!" He goes, "Well, yeah, that's kind of heavy isn't it?" Me: "....are you calling me fat?" Him: "Well, I'm just saying, that seems like kind of a lot if you're only 5'4''." Good god, I would hate to hear what this guy would say about ME. No wonder you have to call phone sex, champ.
The Guys Can Get a Little Mean...:
Sometimes, I wonder why certain guys are calling us. They are really awesome to talk to, they're funny and can make me laugh, and we can actually have a fun, flirty conversation. But then there are guys who it's really no surprise that they have to call. No surprise at all. You know why? Because they're MEAN. Girls like guys who know what they want and everything, sure, but these guys are real jackasses. You know, the kind who don't tip their waiters and treat their family like their servants. I hate those guys. Like this guy last night who called. He wanted to talk to a specific girl who was on the phone, so instead, he wanted to talk to everyone else to see if "they would do". Apparently, he told the SL that "He would know within ten seconds" if we were what he wanted. He went through me and three other girls before hanging up. He wasn't nice about it either; he was all like, "Okay, you're not what I want. Next." Sure, he has every right to talk to who he wants to, as he is paying for it, but that doesn't mean he has to be a jerk about it. He's not the only one like that either. I can't remember if I wrote about this before or not, but one day I was talking to someone, and they always ask how I became involved with the company and why. So I told him that I just needed the extra money, and he goes, "Oh, you couldn't go out and get a real job like everyone else? You just thought you'd take the easy way out and become a PHONE SLUT, right?" Okay, mr. angry, first of all, if you think there is anything -easy- about being surrounded by you perverts all day, you're wrong. Second of all, I do have a "real job" but the hours for this job made it a good second job. And thirdly, who are you to judge me? Yeah, sure, call me a phone slut, but you're still the loser who calls twice a day. Some guys could have gotten away with saying something like that, in a playful manner or whatever, but he was just plain mean. I don't like it when you guys are mean.
Then There Are the Sad Ones...
Sometimes, I think that instead of an orgasm, these guys just need therapy. I'd honestly rather talk to a hundred assholes than one sad guy. The sad guys are terrible to talk to, because they are really just calling you to talk, and tell you horrible stories about their lives. The kinds of things that leave you speechless and ready to cry. There's the guy who's pretty old, late sixties, and he swears he's never been in love. He just talks about all the dating services and stuff that have screwed him over, and then he sings Elvis songs to me. Then there's the guy who's a Vietnam vet and lost both of his legs in the war. He tells you all about it, and then tells you that he uses a blowup doll to get off. He also lives with his mother, and for that reason, he has to be pretty quiet, although she's come in before while I'm talking to him. The whole thing makes me sad. The worst though is this guy who calls and talks about his dead wife. She's been dead for fifteen years or so. The last time I talked to him, he started talking about the poem on her gravestone and then he started crying. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Emotion makes me undeniably uncomfortable. A therapist would probably be cheaper and more sympathetic and well trained to deal with your psychological issues.
You guys are creepy sometimes. I'm just sayin'.
The Virgin:
Sometimes guys call in and I am pretty sure that they are very inexperienced. They would never admit to that, of course, but I can basically tell just by the way they talk. Take this guy from the other night...he apparently lived in my town, and was asking me all kinds of crazy questions, like where I lived and if we could hang out sometime. Sure, come knock on my door, and you would have no idea that I was the girl who was getting you off on the phone last night. So then, he was like, "I'm so good, I'm so good at sex, they call me....the macdaddy." What? Are you fucking joking? He follows that up with "I'd fuck you so hard, I'd do it so hard that I would.....come inside you. Yeah. That's right." Wow, you know, I thought that's what usually happened in this situation. He also kept saying that he was going to "spank" my "butt". Can you at least say that you're going to smack my ass? Spanking my butt makes me feel like a very poorly behaved child. My suspicion that he was a virgin was confirmed with this though: "My dick is so big. Really, it's really really big. It's so huge. It's like, six inches."
....okay. While six inches isn't small, I'd classify it as around average. Not really really big. So to my MacDaddy with the huge cock, thanks for making me laugh, even if I had to put the phone on mute to do it.
You're Fat, Aren't You?:
Okay, you guys have to understand that Zoe is sometimes an ego boost. She's hot, okay? And she has guys telling her that she's hot all night long. Sure, I'm not her, I look nothing like her, but I get kind of attached to her...just like an actress who has a specific character. It's exactly the same thing. So, needless to say, I get a little defensive of her. Now, like I said, Zoe's hot. She's 5'4'', 110, measurments are 34C 26 34. That's pretty damn close to perfect, because she's FAKE, right? I mean, damn, if I'm going to pretend to be something I'm not, I'm going to make myself as close to perfection as I can. So, I'm talking to this guy on the phone the other night, and when I tell him my measurments, he's like, "That's kind of....big, isn't it?" I'm floored, because I've never gotten THAT reaction before. So, I answer him with, "I 0nly weigh 110!" He goes, "Well, yeah, that's kind of heavy isn't it?" Me: "....are you calling me fat?" Him: "Well, I'm just saying, that seems like kind of a lot if you're only 5'4''." Good god, I would hate to hear what this guy would say about ME. No wonder you have to call phone sex, champ.
The Guys Can Get a Little Mean...:
Sometimes, I wonder why certain guys are calling us. They are really awesome to talk to, they're funny and can make me laugh, and we can actually have a fun, flirty conversation. But then there are guys who it's really no surprise that they have to call. No surprise at all. You know why? Because they're MEAN. Girls like guys who know what they want and everything, sure, but these guys are real jackasses. You know, the kind who don't tip their waiters and treat their family like their servants. I hate those guys. Like this guy last night who called. He wanted to talk to a specific girl who was on the phone, so instead, he wanted to talk to everyone else to see if "they would do". Apparently, he told the SL that "He would know within ten seconds" if we were what he wanted. He went through me and three other girls before hanging up. He wasn't nice about it either; he was all like, "Okay, you're not what I want. Next." Sure, he has every right to talk to who he wants to, as he is paying for it, but that doesn't mean he has to be a jerk about it. He's not the only one like that either. I can't remember if I wrote about this before or not, but one day I was talking to someone, and they always ask how I became involved with the company and why. So I told him that I just needed the extra money, and he goes, "Oh, you couldn't go out and get a real job like everyone else? You just thought you'd take the easy way out and become a PHONE SLUT, right?" Okay, mr. angry, first of all, if you think there is anything -easy- about being surrounded by you perverts all day, you're wrong. Second of all, I do have a "real job" but the hours for this job made it a good second job. And thirdly, who are you to judge me? Yeah, sure, call me a phone slut, but you're still the loser who calls twice a day. Some guys could have gotten away with saying something like that, in a playful manner or whatever, but he was just plain mean. I don't like it when you guys are mean.
Then There Are the Sad Ones...
Sometimes, I think that instead of an orgasm, these guys just need therapy. I'd honestly rather talk to a hundred assholes than one sad guy. The sad guys are terrible to talk to, because they are really just calling you to talk, and tell you horrible stories about their lives. The kinds of things that leave you speechless and ready to cry. There's the guy who's pretty old, late sixties, and he swears he's never been in love. He just talks about all the dating services and stuff that have screwed him over, and then he sings Elvis songs to me. Then there's the guy who's a Vietnam vet and lost both of his legs in the war. He tells you all about it, and then tells you that he uses a blowup doll to get off. He also lives with his mother, and for that reason, he has to be pretty quiet, although she's come in before while I'm talking to him. The whole thing makes me sad. The worst though is this guy who calls and talks about his dead wife. She's been dead for fifteen years or so. The last time I talked to him, he started talking about the poem on her gravestone and then he started crying. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Emotion makes me undeniably uncomfortable. A therapist would probably be cheaper and more sympathetic and well trained to deal with your psychological issues.
You guys are creepy sometimes. I'm just sayin'.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
You're a Good Sport, Kiddo.
I know, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. My life's been busy and the phone sex world has been pretty slow. However, I'm back again with a few little gems that you might find interesting.
No Fat Girls:
So, there's this guy who likes to call in and talk about little girls (surprise surprise, that's like, 40% of these pervs). So, he wants me to talk to him about the little girls I know so that he can pick one out and then I can teach her how to give him head. You have to understand, the little girl stuff doesn't really bother me anymore (to an extent) because I know these guys are all fucking pathetic and full of shit...they won't ever do anything about their fantasies, thank goodness. So, anyway, I start to list off girls, and he asks me the name one, because he thinks she sounds pretty, and I make up a name, and he gets all mad and says, "No, I don't want her. That's my neice's name." Oh, so you can talk about abusing other little girls, but when it's in your family, you think you can get offended? Whatever. So then I start to tell him about another one, and I'm like, "oh yeah, she's really cute. She's got this adorable round little face" and he freaks out and starts yelling, "NO. NO NO NO. NO FAT GIRLS". Bitch, did I say she was fat? This is why you can't sleep with girls your own age...because you're fucking psychotic. Got it. No fat girls.
Bark Like a Dog
One morning someone calls in on the 800/900 number. I ask him if he wants to know what I look like, and he goes, "No. You're my wife, and you're upstairs sleeping. I come up and wake you up to tell you that Bob is here. You let Bob fuck you to get rid of my gambling debt. You pretend you don't like it, but you really do." Oh. Right, got it. Because whoring your wife out to cover your ass is so hot. Anyway, so I go along with him, and all of a sudden he mumbles something. What? "I said, bark like a dog." Uhhh. Okay. And so I attempt, but I don't think I was very good at it. It was more like an "aarf" than an actual bark. When he got off the phone he said, "Thanks kiddo, you're a good sport." Right. Did you just call me kiddo? Just checking, because you know you just masturbated, came to me barking like a dog, and now you call me KIDDO? Whatev.
I Fed Her Some X:
There's another big perv who calls and likes to talk about kidnapping little girls. This time though, he wanted to take me and my "little sister". So he took us to his house, and then into the sauna. We all sat in there, with our clothes on, until eventually, he 'took' my little sister out and got her drunk on scotch. Then he came back with her and was like, "Oh, I fed her some x and now I'm going to have her pee on your face." What?! But luckily he was like, "Hey, hold on for a second." When he comes back, I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Oh, sorry, my wife's having a party right now." Your wife. Is having a party. While you hide and talk to the phone sex girl. About drugging little girls with ecstacy? You're one sick mother fucker.
Penis Sucker:
There's another guy who calls all the time. He fantasizes about giving blowjobs to little boys, and he likes to be called a "panty wearing, penis sucking, sperm swallowing faggot boy". Really. That whole string, in order, or else. And you have to say peeeeenis. So, anyway, he's like, "Zoe, I want you to tell all the girls there. Tell them what a panty wearing, peeeenis sucking, sperm swallowing faggot boy I am!" And I'm like, "Dude, they already know. Everyone here knows what a little faggot boy you are." And he's like, all turned on by that, so I take it a step further and I'm like, "What if I told all your friends? Would you like that?" And he's all like, "Yes. Ohh, that makes my little peeeeenis feel so good" haha. So then, because I am a bitch, and because I know that he's almost been caught on several occasions, I say, "What if I told your wife?" And he GASPS, really loudly, and proceeds to beg me not too. It took me forever to get him calmed down, but it was totally worth it to hear the terror in his voice. Fucking pervert.
Tattoos and Piercings:
Another guy called on the 800/900 line the other day, and he was trying to sound like a total badass. He was like, "I've got lots of piercings. I've got a Jacob's ladder (if you don't know what that is, go http://www.imperialbodyart.com/piercing/below/jacob.jpg ) and a Prince Albert (again, go here: http://www.staircasetattoo.com/MediaFiles/piercing_gallery/7.jpg)" Yikes. Then he follows that up with, "I like girls who are shaved too. I don't like to floss while I eat." GROSS GROSS GROSS. Anyway, he then starts to tell me about his tattoo on his back. "Yeah, it's all people I respect. Ya know, Lisa 'left eye' Lopez, Alyiah, Biggie....and then on the top it says 'Rest in Peace' across my shoulders." Wow, you're a winnnnnner, white boy. He goes on with, "Yeah, I have a dungeon in my basement where I take my girls. I take them down there and I......I.....I spank 'em. I spank 'em good....with a whip. I wear a leather mask when I do it too." At this point I'm starting to think this guy is a complete freakshow, when his next sentence stops me cold. "Hey, hold on a second. My cookies are done." Wait, what? "Oh yeah, I bake too. I just made some sugar cookies." ............................. -_-.
The Personal Lives of Phone Sex Girls:
So, anytime I start to feel bad about my life, I get stories about the personal lives of the girls that I work with that make me feel way better. I mean, I'm just a normal college kid, as are some of the others, but some of them, man, you can't make this stuff up.
The Gangbanger: There's this girl that works there who has the craziest stories. We're actually friends outside of work, although I don't know if we'll ever actually hang out because her life scares me. But, her boyfriend is a drug dealer....actually, she's the second girl I know there whose boyfriend deals....what's that tell you? Anyway, her boyfriend is a dealer, and he pissed some people off. They showed up at her house, with a gun, and kept her locked up in her room for a night until she could sneak out. I'd think she was lying, but she's not the type to make shit up. Then, I lent her some money a few weeks ago, not much, like ten bucks. But her boyfriend found out, and when he did, he literally beat the shit out of her. I was so mad, and I felt kind of guilty...but she's still with him. I will never understand girls like that.
The Mental Case: Then there's another girl there who is really nice. She's not too attractive, but she's still a nice person. She starts telling me about her fiance, who I come to find out is 43. Cool...except this girl is 22. What the fuck are you doing? And he has kids who are 18 and 20. I'd be PISSED if I were them. She goes on to tell me that he's still married, but he's getting a divorce soon, and in the meantime the two of them (the girl I know and her boyfriend) live together...although for awhile he was banging his wife and coming home and telling the girl about it....and she stayed with him. What is wrong with people? She was also telling me about the engagement ring that he bought her, and she was all excited about it....and she kept telling me how much it cost....which was $500.00. Five hundred dollars. Okay, maybe if both of you are in college and really struggling, spending 500 bucks on a ring is okay, because it's the thought that counts. But, when you are a grown man in his fourties, a five hundred dollar ring is NOT OKAY. I'm not a materialistic person, but let's get serious here.
Hopefully I'll come up with some good stuff this weekend. Be safe.
No Fat Girls:
So, there's this guy who likes to call in and talk about little girls (surprise surprise, that's like, 40% of these pervs). So, he wants me to talk to him about the little girls I know so that he can pick one out and then I can teach her how to give him head. You have to understand, the little girl stuff doesn't really bother me anymore (to an extent) because I know these guys are all fucking pathetic and full of shit...they won't ever do anything about their fantasies, thank goodness. So, anyway, I start to list off girls, and he asks me the name one, because he thinks she sounds pretty, and I make up a name, and he gets all mad and says, "No, I don't want her. That's my neice's name." Oh, so you can talk about abusing other little girls, but when it's in your family, you think you can get offended? Whatever. So then I start to tell him about another one, and I'm like, "oh yeah, she's really cute. She's got this adorable round little face" and he freaks out and starts yelling, "NO. NO NO NO. NO FAT GIRLS". Bitch, did I say she was fat? This is why you can't sleep with girls your own age...because you're fucking psychotic. Got it. No fat girls.
Bark Like a Dog
One morning someone calls in on the 800/900 number. I ask him if he wants to know what I look like, and he goes, "No. You're my wife, and you're upstairs sleeping. I come up and wake you up to tell you that Bob is here. You let Bob fuck you to get rid of my gambling debt. You pretend you don't like it, but you really do." Oh. Right, got it. Because whoring your wife out to cover your ass is so hot. Anyway, so I go along with him, and all of a sudden he mumbles something. What? "I said, bark like a dog." Uhhh. Okay. And so I attempt, but I don't think I was very good at it. It was more like an "aarf" than an actual bark. When he got off the phone he said, "Thanks kiddo, you're a good sport." Right. Did you just call me kiddo? Just checking, because you know you just masturbated, came to me barking like a dog, and now you call me KIDDO? Whatev.
I Fed Her Some X:
There's another big perv who calls and likes to talk about kidnapping little girls. This time though, he wanted to take me and my "little sister". So he took us to his house, and then into the sauna. We all sat in there, with our clothes on, until eventually, he 'took' my little sister out and got her drunk on scotch. Then he came back with her and was like, "Oh, I fed her some x and now I'm going to have her pee on your face." What?! But luckily he was like, "Hey, hold on for a second." When he comes back, I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Oh, sorry, my wife's having a party right now." Your wife. Is having a party. While you hide and talk to the phone sex girl. About drugging little girls with ecstacy? You're one sick mother fucker.
Penis Sucker:
There's another guy who calls all the time. He fantasizes about giving blowjobs to little boys, and he likes to be called a "panty wearing, penis sucking, sperm swallowing faggot boy". Really. That whole string, in order, or else. And you have to say peeeeenis. So, anyway, he's like, "Zoe, I want you to tell all the girls there. Tell them what a panty wearing, peeeenis sucking, sperm swallowing faggot boy I am!" And I'm like, "Dude, they already know. Everyone here knows what a little faggot boy you are." And he's like, all turned on by that, so I take it a step further and I'm like, "What if I told all your friends? Would you like that?" And he's all like, "Yes. Ohh, that makes my little peeeeenis feel so good" haha. So then, because I am a bitch, and because I know that he's almost been caught on several occasions, I say, "What if I told your wife?" And he GASPS, really loudly, and proceeds to beg me not too. It took me forever to get him calmed down, but it was totally worth it to hear the terror in his voice. Fucking pervert.
Tattoos and Piercings:
Another guy called on the 800/900 line the other day, and he was trying to sound like a total badass. He was like, "I've got lots of piercings. I've got a Jacob's ladder (if you don't know what that is, go http://www.imperialbodyart.com/piercing/below/jacob.jpg ) and a Prince Albert (again, go here: http://www.staircasetattoo.com/MediaFiles/piercing_gallery/7.jpg)" Yikes. Then he follows that up with, "I like girls who are shaved too. I don't like to floss while I eat." GROSS GROSS GROSS. Anyway, he then starts to tell me about his tattoo on his back. "Yeah, it's all people I respect. Ya know, Lisa 'left eye' Lopez, Alyiah, Biggie....and then on the top it says 'Rest in Peace' across my shoulders." Wow, you're a winnnnnner, white boy. He goes on with, "Yeah, I have a dungeon in my basement where I take my girls. I take them down there and I......I.....I spank 'em. I spank 'em good....with a whip. I wear a leather mask when I do it too." At this point I'm starting to think this guy is a complete freakshow, when his next sentence stops me cold. "Hey, hold on a second. My cookies are done." Wait, what? "Oh yeah, I bake too. I just made some sugar cookies." ............................. -_-.
The Personal Lives of Phone Sex Girls:
So, anytime I start to feel bad about my life, I get stories about the personal lives of the girls that I work with that make me feel way better. I mean, I'm just a normal college kid, as are some of the others, but some of them, man, you can't make this stuff up.
The Gangbanger: There's this girl that works there who has the craziest stories. We're actually friends outside of work, although I don't know if we'll ever actually hang out because her life scares me. But, her boyfriend is a drug dealer....actually, she's the second girl I know there whose boyfriend deals....what's that tell you? Anyway, her boyfriend is a dealer, and he pissed some people off. They showed up at her house, with a gun, and kept her locked up in her room for a night until she could sneak out. I'd think she was lying, but she's not the type to make shit up. Then, I lent her some money a few weeks ago, not much, like ten bucks. But her boyfriend found out, and when he did, he literally beat the shit out of her. I was so mad, and I felt kind of guilty...but she's still with him. I will never understand girls like that.
The Mental Case: Then there's another girl there who is really nice. She's not too attractive, but she's still a nice person. She starts telling me about her fiance, who I come to find out is 43. Cool...except this girl is 22. What the fuck are you doing? And he has kids who are 18 and 20. I'd be PISSED if I were them. She goes on to tell me that he's still married, but he's getting a divorce soon, and in the meantime the two of them (the girl I know and her boyfriend) live together...although for awhile he was banging his wife and coming home and telling the girl about it....and she stayed with him. What is wrong with people? She was also telling me about the engagement ring that he bought her, and she was all excited about it....and she kept telling me how much it cost....which was $500.00. Five hundred dollars. Okay, maybe if both of you are in college and really struggling, spending 500 bucks on a ring is okay, because it's the thought that counts. But, when you are a grown man in his fourties, a five hundred dollar ring is NOT OKAY. I'm not a materialistic person, but let's get serious here.
Hopefully I'll come up with some good stuff this weekend. Be safe.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The world is full of perverts
So last night was exceptionally slow. I literally only did four calls, although one of them was seventy minutes, the rest were between 10-15. Anyway, since everything was so slow, I can tell you about all my calls last night, and let me tell you, the perverts were out in full force last night. It must be a full moon...
I like anything kinky...: So, this guy was a real winner. He wanted me to pretend to be his fourteen year old stepdaughter, then he wanted to walk in on my boyfriend and I. It went downhill from there. I can't even really talk about it without wanting to vomit. Eventually in his fantasy he ended up fucking me, having my boyfriend fuck him and piss in his mouth, and then he wanted to bring my "mom" into the whole thing....along with our dog. Nope, not kidding. He wanted to have the dog fuck me, and orgasm inside me so he could lick it out. GROSS. I fucking hate everyone.
You Can't Take It: Then there was a guy who called in on the 900 number. He'd been talking to one of the other girls first, but then he wanted to talk to me. He was crazy, he kept telling me that I couldn't take his "huge 11.5 inch cock" because I was too small. Then he tried to get my phone number, because, "What if you want this dick outside of this? Hmmm?" Then he made me tell him I loved him. SHUT UP. I don't love you fucking dirty men, I think you should be castrated, but hey, if you want to confuse that with love, whatever.
The Rest: Actually, I'm bored with these people, so you get them all under one heading. The first one called and wanted me to help him kidnap a little girl so that we could play with her together. Gross. Luckily for me, he came before anything really happened and I didn't have to talk about it. My last caller was some stupid pussy boy, who called right when I was supposed to be getting off work, so it was actually pretty easy for me to be mean to him. Stupid fucker.
The people who call are sometimes extraordinarily creepy. There was someone who called last night, and luckily the two girls he wanted to talk to weren't in yesterday and he didn't want to talk to me. Apparently he likes you to narrate a story about kidnapping, raping, torturing and killing little girls. I fucking HATE people. Seriously. Sometimes this place is too much for me, when I have to deal with sick bastards like that.
However, the highlight of the night was the call that one of the girls happened to get while I was in the room. It was some guy who was obsessed with girl scouts who sell cookies. All I heard was, "Oh yeah, will you buy some tagalongs for me? Or would you rather try a bite of my thin mints? You know, every time I make you cum, you have to buy a box of cookies, and I'm very dedicated to making my goals."
haha. I hate everyone today.
Also, then one of the girls wanted to talk to me about her sex life. Like, her real sex life. Okay, first of all, you are not exactly an attractive person. Your boyfriend is pretty fucking ugly too. I don't want to hear about how you love it when guys bottom out against your cervix, nor do I want to hear about how your fat boyfriend has a little dick and can't do it. SHUT UP.
ARGGG.
I like anything kinky...: So, this guy was a real winner. He wanted me to pretend to be his fourteen year old stepdaughter, then he wanted to walk in on my boyfriend and I. It went downhill from there. I can't even really talk about it without wanting to vomit. Eventually in his fantasy he ended up fucking me, having my boyfriend fuck him and piss in his mouth, and then he wanted to bring my "mom" into the whole thing....along with our dog. Nope, not kidding. He wanted to have the dog fuck me, and orgasm inside me so he could lick it out. GROSS. I fucking hate everyone.
You Can't Take It: Then there was a guy who called in on the 900 number. He'd been talking to one of the other girls first, but then he wanted to talk to me. He was crazy, he kept telling me that I couldn't take his "huge 11.5 inch cock" because I was too small. Then he tried to get my phone number, because, "What if you want this dick outside of this? Hmmm?" Then he made me tell him I loved him. SHUT UP. I don't love you fucking dirty men, I think you should be castrated, but hey, if you want to confuse that with love, whatever.
The Rest: Actually, I'm bored with these people, so you get them all under one heading. The first one called and wanted me to help him kidnap a little girl so that we could play with her together. Gross. Luckily for me, he came before anything really happened and I didn't have to talk about it. My last caller was some stupid pussy boy, who called right when I was supposed to be getting off work, so it was actually pretty easy for me to be mean to him. Stupid fucker.
The people who call are sometimes extraordinarily creepy. There was someone who called last night, and luckily the two girls he wanted to talk to weren't in yesterday and he didn't want to talk to me. Apparently he likes you to narrate a story about kidnapping, raping, torturing and killing little girls. I fucking HATE people. Seriously. Sometimes this place is too much for me, when I have to deal with sick bastards like that.
However, the highlight of the night was the call that one of the girls happened to get while I was in the room. It was some guy who was obsessed with girl scouts who sell cookies. All I heard was, "Oh yeah, will you buy some tagalongs for me? Or would you rather try a bite of my thin mints? You know, every time I make you cum, you have to buy a box of cookies, and I'm very dedicated to making my goals."
haha. I hate everyone today.
Also, then one of the girls wanted to talk to me about her sex life. Like, her real sex life. Okay, first of all, you are not exactly an attractive person. Your boyfriend is pretty fucking ugly too. I don't want to hear about how you love it when guys bottom out against your cervix, nor do I want to hear about how your fat boyfriend has a little dick and can't do it. SHUT UP.
ARGGG.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
He was from such a good family...
Last night was a really, really long night. I came in early for one of the girls, and let me tell you, nine hours of phone sex is too many for me. Plus, I don't know if it was just because it was friday night, or what, but there were a bunch of crazies calling in.
The Night of the Jacker: So, for about an hour last night, I kept getting two guys calling in on both our lines. I accidentally made the mistake of telling one of them my name a few months ago, when I first started. We're not supposed to tell them anything about ourselves until we've verified that they are an actual client, or, if they're new, until we have all of their information...mainly to avoid situations like this. So there's this guy who calls and he pretends like he has a stutter, but apparently according to one of the other girls, he doesn't. So, he sits and stutters on the phone because it gives him more time to jack off. Gross. So, anyway, ever since I told him my name, he has had this obsession with talking to me, so when he found out that I was working last night, he wouldn't stop calling. I was being a total bitch to him too, to make him stop, because I'd pick up the phone and say hello, and he'd say something stupid, like, "Do you like me? You want my dick, don't you?" Or my favorite little gem, "I just came for you." Gross. Don't cum for me...yuck. Haha, but when he said that, I was like, "Wow, that's fabulous. NOW STOP CALLING." Finally, the last time he called I said to him, "If you call one more time, I am going to report you for telephone harrassment. Do you know what they'll do to you for that?" Then he hung up on me and didn't call anymore. Zoe: 1 Jackers: 0. So, then there was another guy who kept calling, and I swear to god these fools need ettiquette classes or something. I think they just like the idea of being able to say whatever they want to a girl without fear of a lawsuit or a slap in the face. So this one guy kept calling me and asking me if I would do all these dirty things to him. It was getting really old, so finally when he said, "Come on baby, you want to suck my dick, don't you?" I said, "Not even if you paid me a lot of money" and hung up on him. He didn't call back either. Guys and their egos are really funny. Zoe: 2, Jackers: 0
Such a Good Family: So, there's this guy who I have talked to twice now. He's crazy. He likes to be tied up, and he likes it when you tease him, and then fuck other guys in front of him, or fuck him but don't let him cum. So, anyway, he never really says anything much on the phone, he just likes to watch (or listen, as it were). So, he's amazingly boring, and it was pretty late. The hardest part of my night starts around 3:30 or so, it's so hard for me to make it through that last hour and a half or so, because I get so tired. So, I'm stuck on the phone with McBoring, and I kind of fell asleep. Not the snoring kind of sleep, but that haze that you get when you're in a boring class or meeting, you can still manage to take notes and stuff, but they're pure nonsense. So I was still talking, which is no surprise, since I do actually talk in my sleep, but I wasn't making a bit of sense. I started having a dream about Jesus and Judas (uhh, don't ask, I don't know why) and Judas was being hung and everyone was talking about it, and I actually woke myself up by saying, "But he came from such a good family". The guy I was talking to was like, "What?" And I had to cover it up and say, "Oh, I don't know...mmm. I love fucking you." Right. I love it so much I'd rather fall asleep and dream about Judas and Jesus. Then, I kept zoning out and forgetting who was supposed to be fucking who and who was watching, and I'd go from one to the other almost indiscriminantly. Luckily for me, he didn't seem like he noticed. This guy was also funny because he told me he hadn't gotten laid in almost a year--but then he defended himself by saying, "But, I've been working out in the middle of no where, and all the girls out there are big and ugly, and I'm not going to settle for junk." I love the male psyche. You guys are winners, you know that, right?
Good Thing I Wore My Stilettos: I think this call made me feel more uncomfortable than any one I've had so far. This guy was strange to begin with, he wanted me to take off my stilettos and well, sorry, this is gross, but fuck him in the ass with the heel. Yuck. So, whatever, I mean, it's definitely not the first time I've heard that. It's still disturbing, but that's fine, I can do that. So, we're talking about it and all of a sudden he gets really serious and says, "Hey Zoe" and I'm like, "Yeah?" and he says, "Tell me you love me." Me: "Uhhhhh...." I have issues with that word anyway, and I have a really hard time trying to sound honest saying it to some guy who currently is imagining me sliding a heel up his butt. I said it though, and then he was like, "Oh, I love you too. I love you so much." STOP BEING CREEPY. STOP IT. Leave the phone sex girl alone, they do not pay me enough to listen to your declarations of love.
That's really all I can remember from last night that's amusing. There are some creepers out there...and girls, keep an eye on your shoes, you never know what's going to happen to them if you turn your back. Yikes.
The Night of the Jacker: So, for about an hour last night, I kept getting two guys calling in on both our lines. I accidentally made the mistake of telling one of them my name a few months ago, when I first started. We're not supposed to tell them anything about ourselves until we've verified that they are an actual client, or, if they're new, until we have all of their information...mainly to avoid situations like this. So there's this guy who calls and he pretends like he has a stutter, but apparently according to one of the other girls, he doesn't. So, he sits and stutters on the phone because it gives him more time to jack off. Gross. So, anyway, ever since I told him my name, he has had this obsession with talking to me, so when he found out that I was working last night, he wouldn't stop calling. I was being a total bitch to him too, to make him stop, because I'd pick up the phone and say hello, and he'd say something stupid, like, "Do you like me? You want my dick, don't you?" Or my favorite little gem, "I just came for you." Gross. Don't cum for me...yuck. Haha, but when he said that, I was like, "Wow, that's fabulous. NOW STOP CALLING." Finally, the last time he called I said to him, "If you call one more time, I am going to report you for telephone harrassment. Do you know what they'll do to you for that?" Then he hung up on me and didn't call anymore. Zoe: 1 Jackers: 0. So, then there was another guy who kept calling, and I swear to god these fools need ettiquette classes or something. I think they just like the idea of being able to say whatever they want to a girl without fear of a lawsuit or a slap in the face. So this one guy kept calling me and asking me if I would do all these dirty things to him. It was getting really old, so finally when he said, "Come on baby, you want to suck my dick, don't you?" I said, "Not even if you paid me a lot of money" and hung up on him. He didn't call back either. Guys and their egos are really funny. Zoe: 2, Jackers: 0
Such a Good Family: So, there's this guy who I have talked to twice now. He's crazy. He likes to be tied up, and he likes it when you tease him, and then fuck other guys in front of him, or fuck him but don't let him cum. So, anyway, he never really says anything much on the phone, he just likes to watch (or listen, as it were). So, he's amazingly boring, and it was pretty late. The hardest part of my night starts around 3:30 or so, it's so hard for me to make it through that last hour and a half or so, because I get so tired. So, I'm stuck on the phone with McBoring, and I kind of fell asleep. Not the snoring kind of sleep, but that haze that you get when you're in a boring class or meeting, you can still manage to take notes and stuff, but they're pure nonsense. So I was still talking, which is no surprise, since I do actually talk in my sleep, but I wasn't making a bit of sense. I started having a dream about Jesus and Judas (uhh, don't ask, I don't know why) and Judas was being hung and everyone was talking about it, and I actually woke myself up by saying, "But he came from such a good family". The guy I was talking to was like, "What?" And I had to cover it up and say, "Oh, I don't know...mmm. I love fucking you." Right. I love it so much I'd rather fall asleep and dream about Judas and Jesus. Then, I kept zoning out and forgetting who was supposed to be fucking who and who was watching, and I'd go from one to the other almost indiscriminantly. Luckily for me, he didn't seem like he noticed. This guy was also funny because he told me he hadn't gotten laid in almost a year--but then he defended himself by saying, "But, I've been working out in the middle of no where, and all the girls out there are big and ugly, and I'm not going to settle for junk." I love the male psyche. You guys are winners, you know that, right?
Good Thing I Wore My Stilettos: I think this call made me feel more uncomfortable than any one I've had so far. This guy was strange to begin with, he wanted me to take off my stilettos and well, sorry, this is gross, but fuck him in the ass with the heel. Yuck. So, whatever, I mean, it's definitely not the first time I've heard that. It's still disturbing, but that's fine, I can do that. So, we're talking about it and all of a sudden he gets really serious and says, "Hey Zoe" and I'm like, "Yeah?" and he says, "Tell me you love me." Me: "Uhhhhh...." I have issues with that word anyway, and I have a really hard time trying to sound honest saying it to some guy who currently is imagining me sliding a heel up his butt. I said it though, and then he was like, "Oh, I love you too. I love you so much." STOP BEING CREEPY. STOP IT. Leave the phone sex girl alone, they do not pay me enough to listen to your declarations of love.
That's really all I can remember from last night that's amusing. There are some creepers out there...and girls, keep an eye on your shoes, you never know what's going to happen to them if you turn your back. Yikes.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Let's make out
Mainly, I just have a few stories, not much else to say.
Let's Make Out:
My first call last night was with a guy, I think his name was Dave, who wanted to do a two girl call with me and Trista. So, I get on the phone with him, and Trista's sitting on the other side of the wall on her phone, although he thinks we're wearing headsets and right next to each other. Then he tells us that he loves the "natural sound of two girls making out" and he wants us to just get into it and go. So I "made out" with Trista for over 45 minutes, which involved me sitting there, kissing my hand and reading my homework with a stupid moan thrown in every once in awhile. The entire time, all I could think about was Little Giants, where the girl and Devon Sawa are sitting out at the lake and they're practicing kissing their hands and he's like, "Hey babeh" and like, mauls his hand. That's what I felt like. So, after Trista and I "made out" he wanted me to make out with Jaimie. But, he's not content just having us make out, oh no. Eventually he wants us to go down on each other, but before he gets to that part, he wants us to "touch tounges" (whatever that means) and then chant back and forth to each other "I love how we look together". What are we? Gregorian monks? He's actually paying me to make out with my hand. People are CRAZY.
I Love Being Raped:
Now, this story didn't happen to me. Trista was on the phone in the same room as I was in, and I could hear her talking to this guy. Now, he's crazy, and never makes any sense when he calls. At one point I heard her say, "You lost your service? Like, your cell phone signal?" but apparently he told her that he lost his service, meaning his prostitute. I still have a hard time believing people pay for sex...but, whatever. So then, I can only hear one half of the conversation, but I'll give it to you exactly how I heard it, all on Trista's end, of course. "What's that? You want me to be fourteen? Okay, I can do that. Oh, you want to rape me? That's hot. Yeah, there's nothing better than a good old fashioned rapin'. " At that, I had to put my phone on mute and laugh hysterically for a whole minute. A good old fashioned rapin'?? ARE YOU JOKING? Oh, and just in case you are curious, pervs who call us, if you want us to pretend like we like it, then it's not really a RAPE. Let me let you in on a little clue....girls usually don't ENJOY being sexually assaulted. I'm just throwing that out there for all of you social deviants.
PENIS ENLARGEMENT
So, apparently at work we have a few books full of pictures that guys send into us. There are some cock shots, and then some pictures of them with their families....which I think is really weird. There was a picture of one of the guys, who had an abnormally small penis, with a vaccuum attachment stuck on himself. I guess he was masturbating? But, anyway, I digress. There's this book that we have, so that when the guys call and want us to check out their penis pics, we can. So, I'm on a two girl call with Kammi, and she shows me these pictures of this guy's cock and I'm telling you, I have never seen anything like that in my life. I'm 99.99% sure that he jacked the pictures off of the internet, from some porn star...but according to him, he's had three lengthening surgeries and has gone from having a four inch one to a THIRTEEN inch one....a 13 inch one that, according to the people who give him his testosterone shots, produces about 1/2 cup of cum everytime he orgasms. Now, let me ask you...what the hell am I going to do with THIRTEEN inches? Or half a cup of cum? NOTHING. RIDICULOUSNESS, I tell you. 13 inches? Are you kidding me? Where the fuck do you think you're going to put that? Because I will tell you what, I would not let ANYTHING that was 13 inches anywhere near me...these people are out of their mind. But, anyway, he wanted to have us listen to him give himself head, because apparently he can do that with his 13 inch cock. Gross. Gross. Gross.
I Love the Philippines:
There was this guy who called and told me about his trip to the philippines. While he was there, he met a philippino prostitute (a male prostitute) and fell in love with him. He proceeded to talk to me for the next half hour about this boy. He "bought" him for two weeks, and took him to see a professional fight. He said he was planning on moving there in December to take care of the boy and his family and provide for them all so that the kid wouldn't have to prostitute himself anymore. He went on and on about this for literally over a half an hour. So, I listen and talk, but mostly just listen, and when his time is almost up, I let him know. He responds to that by telling me, "Oh, well, I just made all that up." Are you fucking kidding me, you compulsive fucking liar? I just had to sit here and listen to you talk for a half an hour, I had to sit here and listen to some shitty story about your stupid life, and then it was all fake anyway?! Couldn't you have at least made it entertaining if you were going to invent it all? What the fuck.
Touch My Body, Put Me on the Floor:
So, Joe, the guy who did the two girl call with Hayden and I the other night called me again last night. He only wanted to talk for ten minutes, and he didn't want to talk about anything sexual. Instead, he said, "What would you do if you were in a bar on campus and some guy came up to you and started singing touch my body, put me on the floor, wrestle me around, play with me some more.'?" I laughed and told him that I would think that would probably be the most socially awkward situation I'd ever be in. He got all offended and asked, "So, what, it wouldn't make you like him? It wouldn't make you want to fuck him?" I had to answer him with "No, Joe, it would make me laugh, probably, but socially retarded boys don't get laid. I don't fuck guys who sing Mariah Carey, especially in public without provocation." The thing was, he was actually serious. Brain damage. Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Let's Make Out:
My first call last night was with a guy, I think his name was Dave, who wanted to do a two girl call with me and Trista. So, I get on the phone with him, and Trista's sitting on the other side of the wall on her phone, although he thinks we're wearing headsets and right next to each other. Then he tells us that he loves the "natural sound of two girls making out" and he wants us to just get into it and go. So I "made out" with Trista for over 45 minutes, which involved me sitting there, kissing my hand and reading my homework with a stupid moan thrown in every once in awhile. The entire time, all I could think about was Little Giants, where the girl and Devon Sawa are sitting out at the lake and they're practicing kissing their hands and he's like, "Hey babeh" and like, mauls his hand. That's what I felt like. So, after Trista and I "made out" he wanted me to make out with Jaimie. But, he's not content just having us make out, oh no. Eventually he wants us to go down on each other, but before he gets to that part, he wants us to "touch tounges" (whatever that means) and then chant back and forth to each other "I love how we look together". What are we? Gregorian monks? He's actually paying me to make out with my hand. People are CRAZY.
I Love Being Raped:
Now, this story didn't happen to me. Trista was on the phone in the same room as I was in, and I could hear her talking to this guy. Now, he's crazy, and never makes any sense when he calls. At one point I heard her say, "You lost your service? Like, your cell phone signal?" but apparently he told her that he lost his service, meaning his prostitute. I still have a hard time believing people pay for sex...but, whatever. So then, I can only hear one half of the conversation, but I'll give it to you exactly how I heard it, all on Trista's end, of course. "What's that? You want me to be fourteen? Okay, I can do that. Oh, you want to rape me? That's hot. Yeah, there's nothing better than a good old fashioned rapin'. " At that, I had to put my phone on mute and laugh hysterically for a whole minute. A good old fashioned rapin'?? ARE YOU JOKING? Oh, and just in case you are curious, pervs who call us, if you want us to pretend like we like it, then it's not really a RAPE. Let me let you in on a little clue....girls usually don't ENJOY being sexually assaulted. I'm just throwing that out there for all of you social deviants.
PENIS ENLARGEMENT
So, apparently at work we have a few books full of pictures that guys send into us. There are some cock shots, and then some pictures of them with their families....which I think is really weird. There was a picture of one of the guys, who had an abnormally small penis, with a vaccuum attachment stuck on himself. I guess he was masturbating? But, anyway, I digress. There's this book that we have, so that when the guys call and want us to check out their penis pics, we can. So, I'm on a two girl call with Kammi, and she shows me these pictures of this guy's cock and I'm telling you, I have never seen anything like that in my life. I'm 99.99% sure that he jacked the pictures off of the internet, from some porn star...but according to him, he's had three lengthening surgeries and has gone from having a four inch one to a THIRTEEN inch one....a 13 inch one that, according to the people who give him his testosterone shots, produces about 1/2 cup of cum everytime he orgasms. Now, let me ask you...what the hell am I going to do with THIRTEEN inches? Or half a cup of cum? NOTHING. RIDICULOUSNESS, I tell you. 13 inches? Are you kidding me? Where the fuck do you think you're going to put that? Because I will tell you what, I would not let ANYTHING that was 13 inches anywhere near me...these people are out of their mind. But, anyway, he wanted to have us listen to him give himself head, because apparently he can do that with his 13 inch cock. Gross. Gross. Gross.
I Love the Philippines:
There was this guy who called and told me about his trip to the philippines. While he was there, he met a philippino prostitute (a male prostitute) and fell in love with him. He proceeded to talk to me for the next half hour about this boy. He "bought" him for two weeks, and took him to see a professional fight. He said he was planning on moving there in December to take care of the boy and his family and provide for them all so that the kid wouldn't have to prostitute himself anymore. He went on and on about this for literally over a half an hour. So, I listen and talk, but mostly just listen, and when his time is almost up, I let him know. He responds to that by telling me, "Oh, well, I just made all that up." Are you fucking kidding me, you compulsive fucking liar? I just had to sit here and listen to you talk for a half an hour, I had to sit here and listen to some shitty story about your stupid life, and then it was all fake anyway?! Couldn't you have at least made it entertaining if you were going to invent it all? What the fuck.
Touch My Body, Put Me on the Floor:
So, Joe, the guy who did the two girl call with Hayden and I the other night called me again last night. He only wanted to talk for ten minutes, and he didn't want to talk about anything sexual. Instead, he said, "What would you do if you were in a bar on campus and some guy came up to you and started singing touch my body, put me on the floor, wrestle me around, play with me some more.'?" I laughed and told him that I would think that would probably be the most socially awkward situation I'd ever be in. He got all offended and asked, "So, what, it wouldn't make you like him? It wouldn't make you want to fuck him?" I had to answer him with "No, Joe, it would make me laugh, probably, but socially retarded boys don't get laid. I don't fuck guys who sing Mariah Carey, especially in public without provocation." The thing was, he was actually serious. Brain damage. Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Pink Sparkle Pony
Sometimes, the guys who call just want someone to be a total asshole to. Not in a sexual way, they are just genuinely rude people, at least that's what I think. For example, there's this guy Joe who calls all the time, and he always wants to talk to Hayden, one of the girls there. So, a few weeks ago, I picked up the phone, said my little hello and was answered with: "Hayden." So I asked him who was calling, and everytime I asked, he just kept saying, "Hayden. Hayden. Hayden." in this ridiculously annoying voice. Finally, I told him that if he didn't shut up and tell me who he was, I was going to make sure he didn't get to talk to Hayden all night long. So then last night, he wanted a two girl call with me and Hayden...I guess he likes people who yell at him, since I had to do it again yesterday evening. Now, usually when a guy wants a two girl call, he wants you to do all kinds of dirty things to each other while he listens. That's always kind of awkward, because you're sitting there, looking at each other while you're pretending to do all this stuff--it's bizarre. But that's not what good old Joe wanted. Instead, he wanted me to quiz both of them so that he could prove that he was smart and Hayden was dumb. I threw out a few questions, like who painted the Last Supper and who wrote the Inferno, both of which Hayden got right and Joe had no idea about. Then I started dumbing down and asking about current events and celebrity baby names. We finally let Joe win because he wouldn't stop whining. So then he wanted us to have a conversation so that he could listen to us. He gave us topics, about our office and stuff, and then switched to politics. He was "Im-fucking-pressed" that we could talk about Clinton and Obama without having a problem. Glad to see that you think I'm totally fucking stupid, Joe.
Then this other guy called last night, and one of the girls gave him to me. I'd talked to him before, and he'd hung up on me, I remembered that much. So I pick up the phone and say hi to him and he goes, "Uhhh, no offense, but can I have someone else?" Burn. Zoe just got shot down by someone who has nothing better to do on a Saturday night than call the phone sex place. Stupid fucker. That kind of stuff makes me angry
There are these guys who like us to be mean to them, right? I mean, total fucking bitches. They want us to degrade them for the size of their penis, they want us to mock them for calling us and giving us all their money, and they want us to tell them how pathetic and worthless they are. What sucks about that is that I am AWFUL at it. While I do think they're rather pathetic because they like being treated like that, I feel even more like they need a few good sessions with a shrink. The thing that sucks about that though is those are the guys who will give you a ton of money, because they get off on it. I was listening to one of the girls talk to a guy on the phone last night, and she charged him a "friendship fee" and then a fee to ignore him. Overall, she charged him over SEVENTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. Which means she gets like, $850 of it. Damn it. Why can't I be mean? Being mean makes the big bucks, but I just don't have it in me! I SUCK. I wish there were normal guys who would pay me like that---I just can't do the psychological mindfuck where I make them feel like shit, although this makes me feel like I should be able to. I should be able to make myself be horribly mean for 1700 dollars. I guess it shows good conscience that I can't do it, but it makes me annoyed.
As for funny stories....I only have one, but it's a good one. So this guy calls on the 800/900 line and requests me, which is strange because I'm pretty sure I've never talked to him before. I start talking to him, and it's clear that he's a panty boy (ie--he likes to wear panties, duh) and a pussy boy (ie--he likes to be told what to do). Eventually it comes out that Hayden has given him the nickname "Pink Sparkle Pony" and that is now all he will refer to himself as when he calls. Apparently, one time she made him put pink sparkles on his, as he referred to it, "peepee". He likes it when you tell him to "Giddy up, pink sparkle pony, giddy up!" and he will gallop around the house on his hands and knees in his pink panties. What the fuck. So, I took it a little bit farther and told him I was going to make him give me a pony ride all the way through the house, the idea of which promptly made him cum. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Pink sparkle pony? Are you fucking kidding me?
This is why I will probably never have a boyfriend again. Pink sparkle pony indeed.
Then this other guy called last night, and one of the girls gave him to me. I'd talked to him before, and he'd hung up on me, I remembered that much. So I pick up the phone and say hi to him and he goes, "Uhhh, no offense, but can I have someone else?" Burn. Zoe just got shot down by someone who has nothing better to do on a Saturday night than call the phone sex place. Stupid fucker. That kind of stuff makes me angry
There are these guys who like us to be mean to them, right? I mean, total fucking bitches. They want us to degrade them for the size of their penis, they want us to mock them for calling us and giving us all their money, and they want us to tell them how pathetic and worthless they are. What sucks about that is that I am AWFUL at it. While I do think they're rather pathetic because they like being treated like that, I feel even more like they need a few good sessions with a shrink. The thing that sucks about that though is those are the guys who will give you a ton of money, because they get off on it. I was listening to one of the girls talk to a guy on the phone last night, and she charged him a "friendship fee" and then a fee to ignore him. Overall, she charged him over SEVENTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. Which means she gets like, $850 of it. Damn it. Why can't I be mean? Being mean makes the big bucks, but I just don't have it in me! I SUCK. I wish there were normal guys who would pay me like that---I just can't do the psychological mindfuck where I make them feel like shit, although this makes me feel like I should be able to. I should be able to make myself be horribly mean for 1700 dollars. I guess it shows good conscience that I can't do it, but it makes me annoyed.
As for funny stories....I only have one, but it's a good one. So this guy calls on the 800/900 line and requests me, which is strange because I'm pretty sure I've never talked to him before. I start talking to him, and it's clear that he's a panty boy (ie--he likes to wear panties, duh) and a pussy boy (ie--he likes to be told what to do). Eventually it comes out that Hayden has given him the nickname "Pink Sparkle Pony" and that is now all he will refer to himself as when he calls. Apparently, one time she made him put pink sparkles on his, as he referred to it, "peepee". He likes it when you tell him to "Giddy up, pink sparkle pony, giddy up!" and he will gallop around the house on his hands and knees in his pink panties. What the fuck. So, I took it a little bit farther and told him I was going to make him give me a pony ride all the way through the house, the idea of which promptly made him cum. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Pink sparkle pony? Are you fucking kidding me?
This is why I will probably never have a boyfriend again. Pink sparkle pony indeed.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Story time!
So, I have three stories from the past few days that I think you guys will enjoy. I think that if I know you, and we're friends, you should ask me to recount them to you in person, because it will undoubtably be far more amusing than anything I can put into written form.
The Creeper: Now, I've had my share of creepy people who call in. I mean, I've figured out that the majority of people who call phone sex lines are sexually devient, and their fantasies won't be accepted by the majority of the population. They don't really creep me out anymore, I can talk about pretty much without really being weirded out (unless it's something that goes strongly against my own sexual inclinations). Anyway, so this guy called the other night, and he was without a doubt the creepiest man I have ever talked to. The first thing that gave him away is something that I can't express to you, his laugh. It was soft and high pitched and devious. Really nasally and just...creepy. Think of how you would assume a child molestor or voyeur would laugh, and you've got the creeper. Anyway, he was obsessed with skin, or, more specifically, my "soft, flawless, porceline skin". He also kept coming up with the weirdest names for things. He wanted to put his hands on my "young teenaged boobies". I kid you not. Boobies. Who calls a sex line and says BOOBIES? That wasn't the end of it though. He also said the word pussy by stretching out the "ss" and sounding like a snake. Except he was serious. He'd come up with other words every once in awhile. I heard beaver, peach, butterfly and clitty...all of which made me want to stab myself in the face. He also wanted to suck on my toes, and proceeded to make sucking noises into the phone. I had to keep putting him on mute, I was laughing so hard. What is wrong with you people? Do you not know that there is NO ONE THERE but you? Ugh, then came the noises like he was going down on me. I'm not kidding, he was actually licking the phone, and laughing his creepy laugh. I don't think I've ever been so happy for a call to be over, or in such need of a brain bleach.
The Masochist: Now, most people know that a little pain during sex can be a really big turn on. Some people take it farther than others, but there are some who I am pretty sure should get the number of a solid psychiatric professional. This guy called, and began by saying, "Well, I'm really into torture. I have a few things here and I want you to tell me how to use them on my dick." Me: "Oh really? What kind of things?" In my head I'm cringing, because I know where this is going, and it's no where good my friends, no where good. Masochist: "Well, I've got a wooden spatula, a rubber band, a screwdriver, a needle and thread and an exacto-knife". So, my imaginary penis has just shriveled up and cried at what I'm going to have to say to this poor, twisted guy. I start out (oh yeah, I'm going into details, just so you guys can get the extent of it. Don't worry, we didn't get as far as the needle and thread or the knife), and I tell him to wrap the rubber band around his balls and his dick and snap it against himself...and I can hear him doing it. After a little while, where I can tell he's getting more excited (I told you, sick sick sick), I have him slap the spatula against himself. I can hear it, and I have to keep egging him on to do it harder, while I wonder if this kind of thing causes damage. He's begging me for more, and so I have to move on...screwdriver, needle or knife? These are not choices I like. I go for the screwdriver (and feel REALLY BAD about it), and have him......well....work it up inside himself. My imaginary penis, at this point, packs it's bags and runs away from home. Finally, I can hear him orgasming, and he hangs up. Meanwhile, I feel like a bitch for the rest of the night.
The Best Domination Call EVER: So, at this point, I have to reveal the school I go to, because the story only works if you know this information. I had a guy on the phone who wanted to be dominated, which isn't really that uncommon. I ask him what kind of domination he's into, and it's the typical, toe-sucking, wearing panties, having the size of his dick humiliated, and having a strap on used on him (I told you, guys are weird). It would have been pretty run of the mill, until he told me that he was a MICHIGAN fan. Yes, that's right, a Wolverine fan right in my hands. Usually, I feel like I suck at domination calls, because it's so far away from how I am in real life, but being the Buckeye I am, this came naturally to me. So, the roleplay goes as follows. We go to the OSU/Michigan game, and Michigan loses, as has been the case for the past four years. When we get home, I make him take off his Michigan shirt and standby while I pour bleach all over it, so he can watch it dissolve in front of his eyes. Then, I make him put on my OSU jersey. He says "Please Zoe, don't make me" but I know that he really likes it, and so I force it onto him. That's not enough though, and eventually I make him take off his pants and put on my red block O panties (not that I actually have any of those, but that's neither here nor there). He begs me not to, but I force him to. Then I sit back and tell him, "Troy Smith's cock is so much bigger than yours. You're such a little Ohio State bitch boy, aren't you? You love Jim Tressel, don't you? You just fucking love his little sweatervest. Say it. SAY IT." Him: "I love his sweatervest. I love it!" Meanwhile, he goes on mute, and I laugh my ass off for a minute before talking to him again. Eventually I make him get on his hands and knees so he can take my scarlet and grey strap-on (weird, I know). So, I'm ''fucking'' him, and I tell him, "I'm going to yell OH and I want you to yell IO" Him: "No! NO. Please don't make me." Me: "OH" Him: "io". Me: "SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT, YOU LITTLE OHIO STATE BITCH" Him: "IO! IO!" Me: Dies laughing. "Say you're an Ohio State Bitch Boy. Say Fuck Michigan. DO IT." Him: "I'M A LITTLE OHIO STATE BITCH BOY. FUCK MICHIGAN. FUCK MICHIGAN. GO BUCKS!" Then he cums, and hangs up.
Suddenly, I feel much better about my life. Mainly because that is the most awesome call ever.
The Creeper: Now, I've had my share of creepy people who call in. I mean, I've figured out that the majority of people who call phone sex lines are sexually devient, and their fantasies won't be accepted by the majority of the population. They don't really creep me out anymore, I can talk about pretty much without really being weirded out (unless it's something that goes strongly against my own sexual inclinations). Anyway, so this guy called the other night, and he was without a doubt the creepiest man I have ever talked to. The first thing that gave him away is something that I can't express to you, his laugh. It was soft and high pitched and devious. Really nasally and just...creepy. Think of how you would assume a child molestor or voyeur would laugh, and you've got the creeper. Anyway, he was obsessed with skin, or, more specifically, my "soft, flawless, porceline skin"
The Masochist: Now, most people know that a little pain during sex can be a really big turn on. Some people take it farther than others, but there are some who I am pretty sure should get the number of a solid psychiatric professional. This guy called, and began by saying, "Well, I'm really into torture. I have a few things here and I want you to tell me how to use them on my dick." Me: "Oh really? What kind of things?" In my head I'm cringing, because I know where this is going, and it's no where good my friends, no where good. Masochist: "Well, I've got a wooden spatula, a rubber band, a screwdriver, a needle and thread and an exacto-knife". So, my imaginary penis has just shriveled up and cried at what I'm going to have to say to this poor, twisted guy. I start out (oh yeah, I'm going into details, just so you guys can get the extent of it. Don't worry, we didn't get as far as the needle and thread or the knife), and I tell him to wrap the rubber band around his balls and his dick and snap it against himself...and I can hear him doing it. After a little while, where I can tell he's getting more excited (I told you, sick sick sick), I have him slap the spatula against himself. I can hear it, and I have to keep egging him on to do it harder, while I wonder if this kind of thing causes damage. He's begging me for more, and so I have to move on...screwdriver, needle or knife? These are not choices I like. I go for the screwdriver (and feel REALLY BAD about it), and have him......well....work it up inside himself. My imaginary penis, at this point, packs it's bags and runs away from home. Finally, I can hear him orgasming, and he hangs up. Meanwhile, I feel like a bitch for the rest of the night.
The Best Domination Call EVER: So, at this point, I have to reveal the school I go to, because the story only works if you know this information. I had a guy on the phone who wanted to be dominated, which isn't really that uncommon. I ask him what kind of domination he's into, and it's the typical, toe-sucking, wearing panties, having the size of his dick humiliated, and having a strap on used on him (I told you, guys are weird). It would have been pretty run of the mill, until he told me that he was a MICHIGAN fan. Yes, that's right, a Wolverine fan right in my hands. Usually, I feel like I suck at domination calls, because it's so far away from how I am in real life, but being the Buckeye I am, this came naturally to me. So, the roleplay goes as follows. We go to the OSU/Michigan game, and Michigan loses, as has been the case for the past four years. When we get home, I make him take off his Michigan shirt and standby while I pour bleach all over it, so he can watch it dissolve in front of his eyes. Then, I make him put on my OSU jersey. He says "Please Zoe, don't make me" but I know that he really likes it, and so I force it onto him. That's not enough though, and eventually I make him take off his pants and put on my red block O panties (not that I actually have any of those, but that's neither here nor there). He begs me not to, but I force him to. Then I sit back and tell him, "Troy Smith's cock is so much bigger than yours. You're such a little Ohio State bitch boy, aren't you? You love Jim Tressel, don't you? You just fucking love his little sweatervest. Say it. SAY IT." Him: "I love his sweatervest. I love it!" Meanwhile, he goes on mute, and I laugh my ass off for a minute before talking to him again. Eventually I make him get on his hands and knees so he can take my scarlet and grey strap-on (weird, I know). So, I'm ''fucking'' him, and I tell him, "I'm going to yell OH and I want you to yell IO" Him: "No! NO. Please don't make me." Me: "OH" Him: "io". Me: "SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT, YOU LITTLE OHIO STATE BITCH" Him: "IO! IO!" Me: Dies laughing. "Say you're an Ohio State Bitch Boy. Say Fuck Michigan. DO IT." Him: "I'M A LITTLE OHIO STATE BITCH BOY. FUCK MICHIGAN. FUCK MICHIGAN. GO BUCKS!" Then he cums, and hangs up.
Suddenly, I feel much better about my life. Mainly because that is the most awesome call ever.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
A lot of people in the phone sex industry are weird...
I know, I know, I shouldn't make judgements on people who do the same thing I do. However, I think of Zoe as a way to pay my bills while I'm in college. I make a lot of money doing it, I don't have to worry about my rent anymore, and I have money left over to pay my bills, and even go out when I want to. It's a stopover. There are some people who work at TCG who have been there for going on fifteen years...that has got to do something to your psyche, don't you think? Talking dirty probably affects you in a billion ways that you don't realize, psychologically speaking. I mean, for me, I know that it has definitely made me more open to ideas. It's also majorly damaged my idea of men (which wasn't so hot to begin with). I'm pretty convinced that the majority of you either wear women's panties, eat your own cum, want a girl to use a strap-on on you, or get off on the idea of little kids....so I pretty much hate you all.
Anyway, back to the girls I work with...let's just say that no one who works there is going to win a beauty contest anytime soon. There are a few college students there, those are the ones that I think are going to get out of the industry eventually. Then there are the ones who have 348234 kids and a boyfriend who sounds like a really big loser. I can't imagine being a phone sex operater with a husband and kids. I wonder how their husbands deal with it? How humiliated do you think those kids would be if it got out that their mom talked dirty to guys on the phone all night? After I'm done working here, I'm NEVER telling anyone...too much can be used against you. Then, there was this girl who just recently quit. She cracked me up; she lived with her boyfriend and played WoW all the time. She also had this crazy wild hair on her chin, but that's neither here nor there...anyway, she was really into hentai and anime, which I thought added to her bizzareness. However, one day we were talking, and she says something about her "bitch boy". Wait, what? Oh yeah, apparently she has a "slave boy" that LIVES IN HER CLOSET. At first I thought she was full of shit, until she showed me pictures...which leads me to say...
what the fuck is wrong with people?! I know I work at a phone sex place, but sometimes I am astounded at the things that turn people on. Guys who eat their cum--you make me want to vomit. Guys who wear women's panties...that makes you pretty gay, if you want to know the truth. Guys who want to rape little kids, well you should be shot in the face. As for the guy I talked to last night who wanted me to stick my ENTIRE FIST inside of myself--let me let you in on a little secret. No woman is going to think a FIST in her VAGINA feels good. Seriously. A few fingers, yeah, you know, great. A whole hand? REALITY CHECK. I hate calls like those--mainly because those men are absolutely delusional.
So, before I wind up, here's my story of the night from yesterday. There's this guy who calls in pretty often; we'll call him John. Now, John's little fetish involves really muscular men fighting, you know, boxing or whatever. Actually, John is just obsessed with muscles in general, whether on a male or female. He likes big barrel chested men and hot girls with really muscular thighs and calves in high heels. Now, his fantasy involves having a muscular girl masturbating while she watches him and another really muscular guy boxing. She orgasms when he gets knocked out, as does he. Now, the annoying thing about John is that he doesn't just tell you this stuff; he makes you guess. He says things like, "Now, knowing what you know about me, why do you think that turns me on?" Or, "Now that you've heard that, what percentage heterosexual do you think I am, and what percentage homosexual?" Well, let's see, I think you're probably about 90% gay, because I don't know any straight guys who get off on the idea of being beaten up by a guy in a gymnast outfit, nor do I know any straight guys who wear daisy duke jean shorts like you do. Okay, I mean, yeah, there's Tyler Durden, but that's fictional, and I mean, he's Brad Pitt, he can get off on whatever he wants to. Also, why do I think that turns you on? Probably because you're FUCKING WEIRD. I don't have another answer for you. I am not a shrink; get out of here.
Anyway, back to the girls I work with...let's just say that no one who works there is going to win a beauty contest anytime soon. There are a few college students there, those are the ones that I think are going to get out of the industry eventually. Then there are the ones who have 348234 kids and a boyfriend who sounds like a really big loser. I can't imagine being a phone sex operater with a husband and kids. I wonder how their husbands deal with it? How humiliated do you think those kids would be if it got out that their mom talked dirty to guys on the phone all night? After I'm done working here, I'm NEVER telling anyone...too much can be used against you. Then, there was this girl who just recently quit. She cracked me up; she lived with her boyfriend and played WoW all the time. She also had this crazy wild hair on her chin, but that's neither here nor there...anyway, she was really into hentai and anime, which I thought added to her bizzareness. However, one day we were talking, and she says something about her "bitch boy". Wait, what? Oh yeah, apparently she has a "slave boy" that LIVES IN HER CLOSET. At first I thought she was full of shit, until she showed me pictures...which leads me to say...
what the fuck is wrong with people?! I know I work at a phone sex place, but sometimes I am astounded at the things that turn people on. Guys who eat their cum--you make me want to vomit. Guys who wear women's panties...that makes you pretty gay, if you want to know the truth. Guys who want to rape little kids, well you should be shot in the face. As for the guy I talked to last night who wanted me to stick my ENTIRE FIST inside of myself--let me let you in on a little secret. No woman is going to think a FIST in her VAGINA feels good. Seriously. A few fingers, yeah, you know, great. A whole hand? REALITY CHECK. I hate calls like those--mainly because those men are absolutely delusional.
So, before I wind up, here's my story of the night from yesterday. There's this guy who calls in pretty often; we'll call him John. Now, John's little fetish involves really muscular men fighting, you know, boxing or whatever. Actually, John is just obsessed with muscles in general, whether on a male or female. He likes big barrel chested men and hot girls with really muscular thighs and calves in high heels. Now, his fantasy involves having a muscular girl masturbating while she watches him and another really muscular guy boxing. She orgasms when he gets knocked out, as does he. Now, the annoying thing about John is that he doesn't just tell you this stuff; he makes you guess. He says things like, "Now, knowing what you know about me, why do you think that turns me on?" Or, "Now that you've heard that, what percentage heterosexual do you think I am, and what percentage homosexual?" Well, let's see, I think you're probably about 90% gay, because I don't know any straight guys who get off on the idea of being beaten up by a guy in a gymnast outfit, nor do I know any straight guys who wear daisy duke jean shorts like you do. Okay, I mean, yeah, there's Tyler Durden, but that's fictional, and I mean, he's Brad Pitt, he can get off on whatever he wants to. Also, why do I think that turns you on? Probably because you're FUCKING WEIRD. I don't have another answer for you. I am not a shrink; get out of here.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Men's Perspectives on Phone Sex
You know, I've told a number of people about my "other job". I haven't had even a single bad reaction yet, but that could also be that I am extraordinarily careful about who I'm telling. I don't want to be judged, so I make sure that the people I share with are openminded. Without fail, I seem to get the same reactions from the same groups of people. Girls are fascinated, and want to know how I can do it without constantly laughing. The guys are intrigued, of course, but it seems like the vast majority of them look down on men who call phone sex lines. Now, we have a lot of callers, so I know that phone sex is not nearly as taboo as my friends would make it seem. They laugh about it, and think that the guys who call us are losers. I'm sure that in many cases that's true, but it seems to me that the most callers are either sexually devient or else just plain lonely.
Granted, demographically speaking, they seem to be older than the college aged kids I'm telling about this now. Give 'em ten years or so and see if they are so set against calling places like TCG when they've been married for a few years and their wife is no longer putting out. Yeah, it's like paying for sex, but it's really no different from porn, except more expensive. As for being able to do it without laughing, well, that is why they invented mute buttons my friends...it is impossible not to laugh sometimes.
Seriously, do you guys out there have any idea how ridiculous you sound when you're orgasming?
Anyway, I need to wind this up, I have to work tonight, but I'll leave you with the gem of the night from yesterday. The phone rings, and I answer it, "Thanks for calling TCG". There's a moment of silence and then a woman's voice, "Hello?"
Me: "Hi. I think you have the wrong number."
"Who is this?"
"I think you have the wrong number."
"Where's David?"
"What?"
"Where's David?"
"Uh, there's no David here."
"Who is this?"
"I think you have the wrong number."
"What number did I call?"
Long awkward pause while I find the number, mess it up, and then recite it properly "555-555-5555"
"So. David's back into phone sex again, is he?"
"Uh.....yeah. I guess so. Sorry."
"Well that's just great."
Click.
Sorry David, wherever you are, you now have one pissed off wife/mother/girlfriend, courtesy of Zoe. Don't worry, I won't bill you for that one.
Granted, demographically speaking, they seem to be older than the college aged kids I'm telling about this now. Give 'em ten years or so and see if they are so set against calling places like TCG when they've been married for a few years and their wife is no longer putting out. Yeah, it's like paying for sex, but it's really no different from porn, except more expensive. As for being able to do it without laughing, well, that is why they invented mute buttons my friends...it is impossible not to laugh sometimes.
Seriously, do you guys out there have any idea how ridiculous you sound when you're orgasming?
Anyway, I need to wind this up, I have to work tonight, but I'll leave you with the gem of the night from yesterday. The phone rings, and I answer it, "Thanks for calling TCG". There's a moment of silence and then a woman's voice, "Hello?"
Me: "Hi. I think you have the wrong number."
"Who is this?"
"I think you have the wrong number."
"Where's David?"
"What?"
"Where's David?"
"Uh, there's no David here."
"Who is this?"
"I think you have the wrong number."
"What number did I call?"
Long awkward pause while I find the number, mess it up, and then recite it properly "555-555-5555"
"So. David's back into phone sex again, is he?"
"Uh.....yeah. I guess so. Sorry."
"Well that's just great."
Click.
Sorry David, wherever you are, you now have one pissed off wife/mother/girlfriend, courtesy of Zoe. Don't worry, I won't bill you for that one.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
About me...
I've been working at a local phone sex company for a little over a month now, and it seems like I always have a story to tell that is either hilarious or disgusting. I've had demands to create a blog, and who am I to deny the public's right to entertainment?
As an overview, I'm 23 and a senior in college. I have a respectable day job, where I make absolutely no money, and so to supplement my income, I applied for a job at TCG (abbreviation for my job). There, I'm known as Zoe. I'm 19, 5'4, 110 lbs, with blonde hair and brown eyes, with a 34C 26 34. Let's be honest; Zoe and I have about as much in common as Donald Trump and Britney Spears. However, three nights a week, I put on my "maven of the night" disguise and pick up the phone. For only $1.99/minute I will talk dirty to you about anything under the sun. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, anything you want. Live, unrestricted, adult phone conversation.
Now, I'm a pretty smart girl. I know that I am not going to work at this place forever, but it's definitely entertaining, and I get a great perspective on the perverted male psyche. So, this blog is going to be full of stories about people I work with, calls I've received, and my own general thoughts on the matter. I mean, really, what's more entertaining than hearing about men's innermost desires, not to mention their complete gullibility when it comes to talking to us girls. (What, you want me to touch myself? Anything for you.) Since this blog will clearly contain adult content, I guess I should put in a disclaimer about not reading if you find it offensive or you're under 18.
I'm not going to tell you guys very much about me, because this blog is an embarrasment in and of itself and I don't want anyone in my family finding out about my "other" job. If you're one of the few readers who know me in real life, I just ask that you don't say anything that will give clues about my identity, including using my real name. I am sure you can understand, I mean, would you want your mom to know that you were a phone sex operator? I don't think so.
As an overview, I'm 23 and a senior in college. I have a respectable day job, where I make absolutely no money, and so to supplement my income, I applied for a job at TCG (abbreviation for my job). There, I'm known as Zoe. I'm 19, 5'4, 110 lbs, with blonde hair and brown eyes, with a 34C 26 34. Let's be honest; Zoe and I have about as much in common as Donald Trump and Britney Spears. However, three nights a week, I put on my "maven of the night" disguise and pick up the phone. For only $1.99/minute I will talk dirty to you about anything under the sun. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, anything you want. Live, unrestricted, adult phone conversation.
Now, I'm a pretty smart girl. I know that I am not going to work at this place forever, but it's definitely entertaining, and I get a great perspective on the perverted male psyche. So, this blog is going to be full of stories about people I work with, calls I've received, and my own general thoughts on the matter. I mean, really, what's more entertaining than hearing about men's innermost desires, not to mention their complete gullibility when it comes to talking to us girls. (What, you want me to touch myself? Anything for you.) Since this blog will clearly contain adult content, I guess I should put in a disclaimer about not reading if you find it offensive or you're under 18.
I'm not going to tell you guys very much about me, because this blog is an embarrasment in and of itself and I don't want anyone in my family finding out about my "other" job. If you're one of the few readers who know me in real life, I just ask that you don't say anything that will give clues about my identity, including using my real name. I am sure you can understand, I mean, would you want your mom to know that you were a phone sex operator? I don't think so.
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