The phone sex gods have been funny lately

Seriously? Seriously.

The Virgin:
Sometimes guys call in and I am pretty sure that they are very inexperienced. They would never admit to that, of course, but I can basically tell just by the way they talk. Take this guy from the other night...he apparently lived in my town, and was asking me all kinds of crazy questions, like where I lived and if we could hang out sometime. Sure, come knock on my door, and you would have no idea that I was the girl who was getting you off on the phone last night. So then, he was like, "I'm so good, I'm so good at sex, they call me....the macdaddy." What? Are you fucking joking? He follows that up with "I'd fuck you so hard, I'd do it so hard that I would.....come inside you. Yeah. That's right." Wow, you know, I thought that's what usually happened in this situation. He also kept saying that he was going to "spank" my "butt". Can you at least say that you're going to smack my ass? Spanking my butt makes me feel like a very poorly behaved child. My suspicion that he was a virgin was confirmed with this though: "My dick is so big. Really, it's really really big. It's so huge. It's like, six inches."
....okay. While six inches isn't small, I'd classify it as around average. Not really really big. So to my MacDaddy with the huge cock, thanks for making me laugh, even if I had to put the phone on mute to do it.

You're Fat, Aren't You?:
Okay, you guys have to understand that Zoe is sometimes an ego boost. She's hot, okay? And she has guys telling her that she's hot all night long. Sure, I'm not her, I look nothing like her, but I get kind of attached to her...just like an actress who has a specific character. It's exactly the same thing. So, needless to say, I get a little defensive of her. Now, like I said, Zoe's hot. She's 5'4'', 110, measurments are 34C 26 34. That's pretty damn close to perfect, because she's FAKE, right? I mean, damn, if I'm going to pretend to be something I'm not, I'm going to make myself as close to perfection as I can. So, I'm talking to this guy on the phone the other night, and when I tell him my measurments, he's like, "That's kind of....big, isn't it?" I'm floored, because I've never gotten THAT reaction before. So, I answer him with, "I 0nly weigh 110!" He goes, "Well, yeah, that's kind of heavy isn't it?" Me: "....are you calling me fat?" Him: "Well, I'm just saying, that seems like kind of a lot if you're only 5'4''." Good god, I would hate to hear what this guy would say about ME. No wonder you have to call phone sex, champ.

The Guys Can Get a Little Mean...:
Sometimes, I wonder why certain guys are calling us. They are really awesome to talk to, they're funny and can make me laugh, and we can actually have a fun, flirty conversation. But then there are guys who it's really no surprise that they have to call. No surprise at all. You know why? Because they're MEAN. Girls like guys who know what they want and everything, sure, but these guys are real jackasses. You know, the kind who don't tip their waiters and treat their family like their servants. I hate those guys. Like this guy last night who called. He wanted to talk to a specific girl who was on the phone, so instead, he wanted to talk to everyone else to see if "they would do". Apparently, he told the SL that "He would know within ten seconds" if we were what he wanted. He went through me and three other girls before hanging up. He wasn't nice about it either; he was all like, "Okay, you're not what I want. Next." Sure, he has every right to talk to who he wants to, as he is paying for it, but that doesn't mean he has to be a jerk about it. He's not the only one like that either. I can't remember if I wrote about this before or not, but one day I was talking to someone, and they always ask how I became involved with the company and why. So I told him that I just needed the extra money, and he goes, "Oh, you couldn't go out and get a real job like everyone else? You just thought you'd take the easy way out and become a PHONE SLUT, right?" Okay, mr. angry, first of all, if you think there is anything -easy- about being surrounded by you perverts all day, you're wrong. Second of all, I do have a "real job" but the hours for this job made it a good second job. And thirdly, who are you to judge me? Yeah, sure, call me a phone slut, but you're still the loser who calls twice a day. Some guys could have gotten away with saying something like that, in a playful manner or whatever, but he was just plain mean. I don't like it when you guys are mean.

Then There Are the Sad Ones...
Sometimes, I think that instead of an orgasm, these guys just need therapy. I'd honestly rather talk to a hundred assholes than one sad guy. The sad guys are terrible to talk to, because they are really just calling you to talk, and tell you horrible stories about their lives. The kinds of things that leave you speechless and ready to cry. There's the guy who's pretty old, late sixties, and he swears he's never been in love. He just talks about all the dating services and stuff that have screwed him over, and then he sings Elvis songs to me. Then there's the guy who's a Vietnam vet and lost both of his legs in the war. He tells you all about it, and then tells you that he uses a blowup doll to get off. He also lives with his mother, and for that reason, he has to be pretty quiet, although she's come in before while I'm talking to him. The whole thing makes me sad. The worst though is this guy who calls and talks about his dead wife. She's been dead for fifteen years or so. The last time I talked to him, he started talking about the poem on her gravestone and then he started crying. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Emotion makes me undeniably uncomfortable. A therapist would probably be cheaper and more sympathetic and well trained to deal with your psychological issues.

You guys are creepy sometimes. I'm just sayin'.