You're a Good Sport, Kiddo.

I know, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. My life's been busy and the phone sex world has been pretty slow. However, I'm back again with a few little gems that you might find interesting.

No Fat Girls:
So, there's this guy who likes to call in and talk about little girls (surprise surprise, that's like, 40% of these pervs). So, he wants me to talk to him about the little girls I know so that he can pick one out and then I can teach her how to give him head. You have to understand, the little girl stuff doesn't really bother me anymore (to an extent) because I know these guys are all fucking pathetic and full of shit...they won't ever do anything about their fantasies, thank goodness. So, anyway, I start to list off girls, and he asks me the name one, because he thinks she sounds pretty, and I make up a name, and he gets all mad and says, "No, I don't want her. That's my neice's name." Oh, so you can talk about abusing other little girls, but when it's in your family, you think you can get offended? Whatever. So then I start to tell him about another one, and I'm like, "oh yeah, she's really cute. She's got this adorable round little face" and he freaks out and starts yelling, "NO. NO NO NO. NO FAT GIRLS". Bitch, did I say she was fat? This is why you can't sleep with girls your own age...because you're fucking psychotic. Got it. No fat girls.

Bark Like a Dog
One morning someone calls in on the 800/900 number. I ask him if he wants to know what I look like, and he goes, "No. You're my wife, and you're upstairs sleeping. I come up and wake you up to tell you that Bob is here. You let Bob fuck you to get rid of my gambling debt. You pretend you don't like it, but you really do." Oh. Right, got it. Because whoring your wife out to cover your ass is so hot. Anyway, so I go along with him, and all of a sudden he mumbles something. What? "I said, bark like a dog." Uhhh. Okay. And so I attempt, but I don't think I was very good at it. It was more like an "aarf" than an actual bark. When he got off the phone he said, "Thanks kiddo, you're a good sport." Right. Did you just call me kiddo? Just checking, because you know you just masturbated, came to me barking like a dog, and now you call me KIDDO? Whatev.

I Fed Her Some X:
There's another big perv who calls and likes to talk about kidnapping little girls. This time though, he wanted to take me and my "little sister". So he took us to his house, and then into the sauna. We all sat in there, with our clothes on, until eventually, he 'took' my little sister out and got her drunk on scotch. Then he came back with her and was like, "Oh, I fed her some x and now I'm going to have her pee on your face." What?! But luckily he was like, "Hey, hold on for a second." When he comes back, I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Oh, sorry, my wife's having a party right now." Your wife. Is having a party. While you hide and talk to the phone sex girl. About drugging little girls with ecstacy? You're one sick mother fucker.

Penis Sucker:
There's another guy who calls all the time. He fantasizes about giving blowjobs to little boys, and he likes to be called a "panty wearing, penis sucking, sperm swallowing faggot boy". Really. That whole string, in order, or else. And you have to say peeeeenis. So, anyway, he's like, "Zoe, I want you to tell all the girls there. Tell them what a panty wearing, peeeenis sucking, sperm swallowing faggot boy I am!" And I'm like, "Dude, they already know. Everyone here knows what a little faggot boy you are." And he's like, all turned on by that, so I take it a step further and I'm like, "What if I told all your friends? Would you like that?" And he's all like, "Yes. Ohh, that makes my little peeeeenis feel so good" haha. So then, because I am a bitch, and because I know that he's almost been caught on several occasions, I say, "What if I told your wife?" And he GASPS, really loudly, and proceeds to beg me not too. It took me forever to get him calmed down, but it was totally worth it to hear the terror in his voice. Fucking pervert.

Tattoos and Piercings:
Another guy called on the 800/900 line the other day, and he was trying to sound like a total badass. He was like, "I've got lots of piercings. I've got a Jacob's ladder (if you don't know what that is, go http://www.imperialbodyart.com/piercing/below/jacob.jpg ) and a Prince Albert (again, go here: http://www.staircasetattoo.com/MediaFiles/piercing_gallery/7.jpg)" Yikes. Then he follows that up with, "I like girls who are shaved too. I don't like to floss while I eat." GROSS GROSS GROSS. Anyway, he then starts to tell me about his tattoo on his back. "Yeah, it's all people I respect. Ya know, Lisa 'left eye' Lopez, Alyiah, Biggie....and then on the top it says 'Rest in Peace' across my shoulders." Wow, you're a winnnnnner, white boy. He goes on with, "Yeah, I have a dungeon in my basement where I take my girls. I take them down there and I......I.....I spank 'em. I spank 'em good....with a whip. I wear a leather mask when I do it too." At this point I'm starting to think this guy is a complete freakshow, when his next sentence stops me cold. "Hey, hold on a second. My cookies are done." Wait, what? "Oh yeah, I bake too. I just made some sugar cookies." ............................. -_-.

The Personal Lives of Phone Sex Girls:
So, anytime I start to feel bad about my life, I get stories about the personal lives of the girls that I work with that make me feel way better. I mean, I'm just a normal college kid, as are some of the others, but some of them, man, you can't make this stuff up.

The Gangbanger: There's this girl that works there who has the craziest stories. We're actually friends outside of work, although I don't know if we'll ever actually hang out because her life scares me. But, her boyfriend is a drug dealer....actually, she's the second girl I know there whose boyfriend deals....what's that tell you? Anyway, her boyfriend is a dealer, and he pissed some people off. They showed up at her house, with a gun, and kept her locked up in her room for a night until she could sneak out. I'd think she was lying, but she's not the type to make shit up. Then, I lent her some money a few weeks ago, not much, like ten bucks. But her boyfriend found out, and when he did, he literally beat the shit out of her. I was so mad, and I felt kind of guilty...but she's still with him. I will never understand girls like that.

The Mental Case: Then there's another girl there who is really nice. She's not too attractive, but she's still a nice person. She starts telling me about her fiance, who I come to find out is 43. Cool...except this girl is 22. What the fuck are you doing? And he has kids who are 18 and 20. I'd be PISSED if I were them. She goes on to tell me that he's still married, but he's getting a divorce soon, and in the meantime the two of them (the girl I know and her boyfriend) live together...although for awhile he was banging his wife and coming home and telling the girl about it....and she stayed with him. What is wrong with people? She was also telling me about the engagement ring that he bought her, and she was all excited about it....and she kept telling me how much it cost....which was $500.00. Five hundred dollars. Okay, maybe if both of you are in college and really struggling, spending 500 bucks on a ring is okay, because it's the thought that counts. But, when you are a grown man in his fourties, a five hundred dollar ring is NOT OKAY. I'm not a materialistic person, but let's get serious here.

Hopefully I'll come up with some good stuff this weekend. Be safe.