Story time!

So, I have three stories from the past few days that I think you guys will enjoy. I think that if I know you, and we're friends, you should ask me to recount them to you in person, because it will undoubtably be far more amusing than anything I can put into written form.

The Creeper: Now, I've had my share of creepy people who call in. I mean, I've figured out that the majority of people who call phone sex lines are sexually devient, and their fantasies won't be accepted by the majority of the population. They don't really creep me out anymore, I can talk about pretty much without really being weirded out (unless it's something that goes strongly against my own sexual inclinations). Anyway, so this guy called the other night, and he was without a doubt the creepiest man I have ever talked to. The first thing that gave him away is something that I can't express to you, his laugh. It was soft and high pitched and devious. Really nasally and just...creepy. Think of how you would assume a child molestor or voyeur would laugh, and you've got the creeper. Anyway, he was obsessed with skin, or, more specifically, my "soft, flawless, porceline skin" . He also kept coming up with the weirdest names for things. He wanted to put his hands on my "young teenaged boobies". I kid you not. Boobies. Who calls a sex line and says BOOBIES? That wasn't the end of it though. He also said the word pussy by stretching out the "ss" and sounding like a snake. Except he was serious. He'd come up with other words every once in awhile. I heard beaver, peach, butterfly and clitty...all of which made me want to stab myself in the face. He also wanted to suck on my toes, and proceeded to make sucking noises into the phone. I had to keep putting him on mute, I was laughing so hard. What is wrong with you people? Do you not know that there is NO ONE THERE but you? Ugh, then came the noises like he was going down on me. I'm not kidding, he was actually licking the phone, and laughing his creepy laugh. I don't think I've ever been so happy for a call to be over, or in such need of a brain bleach.

The Masochist: Now, most people know that a little pain during sex can be a really big turn on. Some people take it farther than others, but there are some who I am pretty sure should get the number of a solid psychiatric professional. This guy called, and began by saying, "Well, I'm really into torture. I have a few things here and I want you to tell me how to use them on my dick." Me: "Oh really? What kind of things?" In my head I'm cringing, because I know where this is going, and it's no where good my friends, no where good. Masochist: "Well, I've got a wooden spatula, a rubber band, a screwdriver, a needle and thread and an exacto-knife". So, my imaginary penis has just shriveled up and cried at what I'm going to have to say to this poor, twisted guy. I start out (oh yeah, I'm going into details, just so you guys can get the extent of it. Don't worry, we didn't get as far as the needle and thread or the knife), and I tell him to wrap the rubber band around his balls and his dick and snap it against himself...and I can hear him doing it. After a little while, where I can tell he's getting more excited (I told you, sick sick sick), I have him slap the spatula against himself. I can hear it, and I have to keep egging him on to do it harder, while I wonder if this kind of thing causes damage. He's begging me for more, and so I have to move on...screwdriver, needle or knife? These are not choices I like. I go for the screwdriver (and feel REALLY BAD about it), and have him......well....work it up inside himself. My imaginary penis, at this point, packs it's bags and runs away from home. Finally, I can hear him orgasming, and he hangs up. Meanwhile, I feel like a bitch for the rest of the night.

The Best Domination Call EVER: So, at this point, I have to reveal the school I go to, because the story only works if you know this information. I had a guy on the phone who wanted to be dominated, which isn't really that uncommon. I ask him what kind of domination he's into, and it's the typical, toe-sucking, wearing panties, having the size of his dick humiliated, and having a strap on used on him (I told you, guys are weird). It would have been pretty run of the mill, until he told me that he was a MICHIGAN fan. Yes, that's right, a Wolverine fan right in my hands. Usually, I feel like I suck at domination calls, because it's so far away from how I am in real life, but being the Buckeye I am, this came naturally to me. So, the roleplay goes as follows. We go to the OSU/Michigan game, and Michigan loses, as has been the case for the past four years. When we get home, I make him take off his Michigan shirt and standby while I pour bleach all over it, so he can watch it dissolve in front of his eyes. Then, I make him put on my OSU jersey. He says "Please Zoe, don't make me" but I know that he really likes it, and so I force it onto him. That's not enough though, and eventually I make him take off his pants and put on my red block O panties (not that I actually have any of those, but that's neither here nor there). He begs me not to, but I force him to. Then I sit back and tell him, "Troy Smith's cock is so much bigger than yours. You're such a little Ohio State bitch boy, aren't you? You love Jim Tressel, don't you? You just fucking love his little sweatervest. Say it. SAY IT." Him: "I love his sweatervest. I love it!" Meanwhile, he goes on mute, and I laugh my ass off for a minute before talking to him again. Eventually I make him get on his hands and knees so he can take my scarlet and grey strap-on (weird, I know). So, I'm ''fucking'' him, and I tell him, "I'm going to yell OH and I want you to yell IO" Him: "No! NO. Please don't make me." Me: "OH" Him: "io". Me: "SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT, YOU LITTLE OHIO STATE BITCH" Him: "IO! IO!" Me: Dies laughing. "Say you're an Ohio State Bitch Boy. Say Fuck Michigan. DO IT." Him: "I'M A LITTLE OHIO STATE BITCH BOY. FUCK MICHIGAN. FUCK MICHIGAN. GO BUCKS!" Then he cums, and hangs up.

Suddenly, I feel much better about my life. Mainly because that is the most awesome call ever.