Phone Sex: The Fat Girl's Revenge

There's a little secret that none of the guys who call phone sex know. Or, at least, they pretend like they don't know, although some of the more intelligent ones have figured it out, I'm sure. This secret is that we are not all the drop dead gorgeous, sexually promiscuous girls we pretend to be. The truth of the matter is, if I'd done even 10% of the things I tell the guys, I would have died from STD overload a long time ago. The truth is that I can count the number of people I've slept with on one hand. The truth is that I have never been in a gangbang, never fucked a guy with a strapon, I don't do anal and I'm not a cuckold. I've never done it with my mother / brother / father / sister / grandma / dog / horse whatever. I don't do drugs and I'm certainly not the person that I pretend to be on the phone.

I'm not gonna lie, I get a kick out of these guys sometimes. You can talk to them and stereotype them as who they were back in high school. You know, the hot football player jocks who grew up to have a beer belly and a gold digger wife who is banging the lawn boy. Last night I was talking to someone who was telling me that the night before they'd hooked up with some girl at a fireworks display. Apparently she was his "type" meaning that she was really skinny, so skinny that he could actually feel her bones when he was touching her. Then of course he was like, "I bet you're really skinny like that too, huh? I could feel your bones too, I bet." I said yes, but in my head I laughed and thought to myself that I have probably not felt my bones since I was in the womb. heh.

Then there's another guy who calls, I've only talked to him twice--he buys his time with a money order and the last time I talked to him he had 1200 minutes. That's an expensive amount, close to three grand, probably. Anyway, I am pretty sure that this guy is mildly retarded. He always wants to talk about "boobies" and being molested when he was a kid. He starts talking, and I stop listening and then he goes, "Hey, haha, you wanna know something? You're getting horny now. I can tell. hahaha." Oh, yes, however did you know. Please, please, let me rip off all my clothes and masturbate for you. Then he asks me if I want to hear a joke. It went something like this: "I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me that I have a very serious disease. It's called boobie-a-citis and the only way to cure it is to suck on boobies all day long. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA."

....really. That was the joke. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Then I actually have to talk to them, and anyone who knows me knows that I can't keep my feelings to myself. It's really hard for me not to just tell them how utterly pathetic they are.

Then there are the guys who make it patently obvious as to why they are calling the phone sex girls. They will sit and talk to you for a minute, interrupt you every two seconds so that you can't even get a sentence out, and then say "Start playing with yourself. Right now. Do it." They'll wait a second or two, until I start pretending, and then they'll go, "Yeah, that's it. Come for me. Come for me right now. RIGHT NOW." Okay, control freak. First of all, girls will not come anywhere near you if you KEEP INTERRUPTING THEM. Second of all, girls cannot just automatically orgasm after five seconds. Thirdly, you screaming at a girl to come is NOT going to help things along. Fucking jackasses. I feel bad for whoever they're fucking.

We're supposed to basically tell them whatever they want to hear, but sometimes I tell them the truth just to make them angry. heh. Like one guy last night was like, "Wouldn't it be so hot if you were sucking my cock and your mom was riding my face?" Yeah, the fucker was talking about my MOTHER. So I say, "No, actually, I think I would find it totally disgusting." Then he asked me, "I want you to tell me the truth. Have you ever let a dog lick your pussy?" So, since he wanted the truth, I told him no, at which point he goes, "YOU'RE LYING!" Oh. Right. Sorry I am such a dirty dirty liar. Then there is one guy who always calls right before I'm about to leave in the morning and wants to talk about how his girlfriend loves to fuck black guys because they have big dicks, and white guys should just never get laid. At which point, he says, "Zoe, come on, tell me the truth, you love to have a big black dick in you, don't you?" If I really don't want to him, I'll say, "No, honestly, I don't even care about the size of a guy's cock, as long as it's like, six inches or so, it doesn't really matter that much. After that, it just kind of hurts." Then he goes, "Don't lie to me, you love fucking black guys." So I say, "Actually, I've never been with a black guy, it's just never come up." I also tell him that I never let guys come inside of me, because I don't want to get the clap, or get pregnant--Then he gets mad and hangs up on me. Haha, I beat you. Who knew that babies and diseases were a buzzkill? ha.

The worst though, the thing that pisses me off the most, is when guys act surprised that I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation. I know I've bitched about this before, but come on. Last night I was talking to someone, and we'd been talking for about twenty minutes-he was basically boring the shit out of me, and finally I reacted to something that he said, I can't remember what though. All I know is that he said, "Wow, you actually just sounded mildly more intelligent." All I want to say when they do stuff like that is, "Really? Wow. Well you know I've had a 3.8 GPA for the last three quarters, while I'm going to school full time and working 55 hours a week. I am undoubtedly more well-read than you, and you are the pathetic loser who calls here and actually believes me when I tell you that I've fucked a dog."

I never say that though. Maybe some day...