One of the pitfalls of the location of my job is that it's located in this old house in a nicer part of town. However, since that house is relatively old (ie-old wiring, etc), the power goes out constantly. I've come in to pick up my check before when the power was out, but last night I had to actually work in the dark. Kammi and I were on a two girl call with the guy who loves to hear you "make out" with each other, when the phone disconnected and the power went out. We had to go downstairs and sit in the dark with flashlights. Never in my life did I picture myself sitting in the dark, talking to some perv from Cincinnati while I made out with my hand and pretended like it was a girl. That was bizarre.
On top of that, last night was just weird. I had another two girl call with this guy who likes you to dress him up in your clothes while he calls you mommy. Very Norman Bates of him, really. Extraordinarily creepy. So, I'm on the phone with him and this girl, Taylor, whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard. She's a nice person, but the sound of her voice makes me want to hang myself. We had to take turns spanking him while he counted. Seriously. WTF.
Then there was this guy who called in that was super sub. boy. He wanted to be mocked for masturbating. He told me he was 41 and lived with his mom; that he was unemployed and had to borrow money to call the phone sex line, and that he sat in his car and masturbated watching high school girls. The super creepy part? He was totally lying about his life. There was no way he was 41, I could tell from his voice that he was much younger. Also, when I asked him how old his mom was, he said, "in her 50's". That math just does not add up, especially if he is in his forties. Having a mom who is only fifteen years or so older than you may not be such a stretch for my generation, but not likely in the 60s. Anyway, he wanted to be mocked for being a lame ass, which I was more than happy to do. However, when he came, he said, (and I quote)... "Ughhh. I'm making baby batter! I'm making baby batter!" .....What the fuck. Baby Batter? VOMIT.
The last, but far from least interesting guy was this hillbilly from Tennessee. He started out normal enough, but then he kept yelling at me. Loudly. So loudly, at one point he startled me so badly that I dropped the phone. He was full of things like, "ARE YOU GONNA MIND ME? YOU MIND ME!" and "You're MINE now, aren't you little girl? Are you gonna MIND ME? Don't you try to FAKE me. Are you FAKING ME?" Yikes. It was only truly funny though that I spent a half an hour agreeing that I belonged to him, only to have to tell him that his time was up and he was either going to have to buy more time or call back later when he was ready to get more time. He responded with something like, "FUCK THOSE RULES. YOU MIND ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!" ha. So I just hung up on him instead. Mind him, my ass.
I hate these dumb motherfuckers. Oh well, I'm only working there for about two more months. I can live through that...but maybe not without trying to kill them.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Phone Sex: The Fat Girl's Revenge
There's a little secret that none of the guys who call phone sex know. Or, at least, they pretend like they don't know, although some of the more intelligent ones have figured it out, I'm sure. This secret is that we are not all the drop dead gorgeous, sexually promiscuous girls we pretend to be. The truth of the matter is, if I'd done even 10% of the things I tell the guys, I would have died from STD overload a long time ago. The truth is that I can count the number of people I've slept with on one hand. The truth is that I have never been in a gangbang, never fucked a guy with a strapon, I don't do anal and I'm not a cuckold. I've never done it with my mother / brother / father / sister / grandma / dog / horse whatever. I don't do drugs and I'm certainly not the person that I pretend to be on the phone.
I'm not gonna lie, I get a kick out of these guys sometimes. You can talk to them and stereotype them as who they were back in high school. You know, the hot football player jocks who grew up to have a beer belly and a gold digger wife who is banging the lawn boy. Last night I was talking to someone who was telling me that the night before they'd hooked up with some girl at a fireworks display. Apparently she was his "type" meaning that she was really skinny, so skinny that he could actually feel her bones when he was touching her. Then of course he was like, "I bet you're really skinny like that too, huh? I could feel your bones too, I bet." I said yes, but in my head I laughed and thought to myself that I have probably not felt my bones since I was in the womb. heh.
Then there's another guy who calls, I've only talked to him twice--he buys his time with a money order and the last time I talked to him he had 1200 minutes. That's an expensive amount, close to three grand, probably. Anyway, I am pretty sure that this guy is mildly retarded. He always wants to talk about "boobies" and being molested when he was a kid. He starts talking, and I stop listening and then he goes, "Hey, haha, you wanna know something? You're getting horny now. I can tell. hahaha." Oh, yes, however did you know. Please, please, let me rip off all my clothes and masturbate for you. Then he asks me if I want to hear a joke. It went something like this: "I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me that I have a very serious disease. It's called boobie-a-citis and the only way to cure it is to suck on boobies all day long. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA."
....really. That was the joke. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Then I actually have to talk to them, and anyone who knows me knows that I can't keep my feelings to myself. It's really hard for me not to just tell them how utterly pathetic they are.
Then there are the guys who make it patently obvious as to why they are calling the phone sex girls. They will sit and talk to you for a minute, interrupt you every two seconds so that you can't even get a sentence out, and then say "Start playing with yourself. Right now. Do it." They'll wait a second or two, until I start pretending, and then they'll go, "Yeah, that's it. Come for me. Come for me right now. RIGHT NOW." Okay, control freak. First of all, girls will not come anywhere near you if you KEEP INTERRUPTING THEM. Second of all, girls cannot just automatically orgasm after five seconds. Thirdly, you screaming at a girl to come is NOT going to help things along. Fucking jackasses. I feel bad for whoever they're fucking.
We're supposed to basically tell them whatever they want to hear, but sometimes I tell them the truth just to make them angry. heh. Like one guy last night was like, "Wouldn't it be so hot if you were sucking my cock and your mom was riding my face?" Yeah, the fucker was talking about my MOTHER. So I say, "No, actually, I think I would find it totally disgusting." Then he asked me, "I want you to tell me the truth. Have you ever let a dog lick your pussy?" So, since he wanted the truth, I told him no, at which point he goes, "YOU'RE LYING!" Oh. Right. Sorry I am such a dirty dirty liar. Then there is one guy who always calls right before I'm about to leave in the morning and wants to talk about how his girlfriend loves to fuck black guys because they have big dicks, and white guys should just never get laid. At which point, he says, "Zoe, come on, tell me the truth, you love to have a big black dick in you, don't you?" If I really don't want to him, I'll say, "No, honestly, I don't even care about the size of a guy's cock, as long as it's like, six inches or so, it doesn't really matter that much. After that, it just kind of hurts." Then he goes, "Don't lie to me, you love fucking black guys." So I say, "Actually, I've never been with a black guy, it's just never come up." I also tell him that I never let guys come inside of me, because I don't want to get the clap, or get pregnant--Then he gets mad and hangs up on me. Haha, I beat you. Who knew that babies and diseases were a buzzkill? ha.
The worst though, the thing that pisses me off the most, is when guys act surprised that I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation. I know I've bitched about this before, but come on. Last night I was talking to someone, and we'd been talking for about twenty minutes-he was basically boring the shit out of me, and finally I reacted to something that he said, I can't remember what though. All I know is that he said, "Wow, you actually just sounded mildly more intelligent." All I want to say when they do stuff like that is, "Really? Wow. Well you know I've had a 3.8 GPA for the last three quarters, while I'm going to school full time and working 55 hours a week. I am undoubtedly more well-read than you, and you are the pathetic loser who calls here and actually believes me when I tell you that I've fucked a dog."
I never say that though. Maybe some day...
I'm not gonna lie, I get a kick out of these guys sometimes. You can talk to them and stereotype them as who they were back in high school. You know, the hot football player jocks who grew up to have a beer belly and a gold digger wife who is banging the lawn boy. Last night I was talking to someone who was telling me that the night before they'd hooked up with some girl at a fireworks display. Apparently she was his "type" meaning that she was really skinny, so skinny that he could actually feel her bones when he was touching her. Then of course he was like, "I bet you're really skinny like that too, huh? I could feel your bones too, I bet." I said yes, but in my head I laughed and thought to myself that I have probably not felt my bones since I was in the womb. heh.
Then there's another guy who calls, I've only talked to him twice--he buys his time with a money order and the last time I talked to him he had 1200 minutes. That's an expensive amount, close to three grand, probably. Anyway, I am pretty sure that this guy is mildly retarded. He always wants to talk about "boobies" and being molested when he was a kid. He starts talking, and I stop listening and then he goes, "Hey, haha, you wanna know something? You're getting horny now. I can tell. hahaha." Oh, yes, however did you know. Please, please, let me rip off all my clothes and masturbate for you. Then he asks me if I want to hear a joke. It went something like this: "I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me that I have a very serious disease. It's called boobie-a-citis and the only way to cure it is to suck on boobies all day long. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA."
....really. That was the joke. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Then I actually have to talk to them, and anyone who knows me knows that I can't keep my feelings to myself. It's really hard for me not to just tell them how utterly pathetic they are.
Then there are the guys who make it patently obvious as to why they are calling the phone sex girls. They will sit and talk to you for a minute, interrupt you every two seconds so that you can't even get a sentence out, and then say "Start playing with yourself. Right now. Do it." They'll wait a second or two, until I start pretending, and then they'll go, "Yeah, that's it. Come for me. Come for me right now. RIGHT NOW." Okay, control freak. First of all, girls will not come anywhere near you if you KEEP INTERRUPTING THEM. Second of all, girls cannot just automatically orgasm after five seconds. Thirdly, you screaming at a girl to come is NOT going to help things along. Fucking jackasses. I feel bad for whoever they're fucking.
We're supposed to basically tell them whatever they want to hear, but sometimes I tell them the truth just to make them angry. heh. Like one guy last night was like, "Wouldn't it be so hot if you were sucking my cock and your mom was riding my face?" Yeah, the fucker was talking about my MOTHER. So I say, "No, actually, I think I would find it totally disgusting." Then he asked me, "I want you to tell me the truth. Have you ever let a dog lick your pussy?" So, since he wanted the truth, I told him no, at which point he goes, "YOU'RE LYING!" Oh. Right. Sorry I am such a dirty dirty liar. Then there is one guy who always calls right before I'm about to leave in the morning and wants to talk about how his girlfriend loves to fuck black guys because they have big dicks, and white guys should just never get laid. At which point, he says, "Zoe, come on, tell me the truth, you love to have a big black dick in you, don't you?" If I really don't want to him, I'll say, "No, honestly, I don't even care about the size of a guy's cock, as long as it's like, six inches or so, it doesn't really matter that much. After that, it just kind of hurts." Then he goes, "Don't lie to me, you love fucking black guys." So I say, "Actually, I've never been with a black guy, it's just never come up." I also tell him that I never let guys come inside of me, because I don't want to get the clap, or get pregnant--Then he gets mad and hangs up on me. Haha, I beat you. Who knew that babies and diseases were a buzzkill? ha.
The worst though, the thing that pisses me off the most, is when guys act surprised that I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation. I know I've bitched about this before, but come on. Last night I was talking to someone, and we'd been talking for about twenty minutes-he was basically boring the shit out of me, and finally I reacted to something that he said, I can't remember what though. All I know is that he said, "Wow, you actually just sounded mildly more intelligent." All I want to say when they do stuff like that is, "Really? Wow. Well you know I've had a 3.8 GPA for the last three quarters, while I'm going to school full time and working 55 hours a week. I am undoubtedly more well-read than you, and you are the pathetic loser who calls here and actually believes me when I tell you that I've fucked a dog."
I never say that though. Maybe some day...
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